We at Freedom Magazine are pleased as punch to announce that our own award-winning journalist Dr. Eldon Weiner snagged the world exclusive interview with Scientologist Tom Cruise on, wait for it,

The new Church of Scientology Super Power Rundown!

Dr. Weiner: Tom, thank you for taking time out of your busy movie star schedule to talk to us at Freedom Magazine.

Tom Cruise: Glad to be here Doctor Weiner.

DW: Tom, describe the thrill of the Super Power Rundown for our readers.

TC: I’ll do that but first let me thank COB RTC David Miscavige for allowing me to be one of the first Scientologists to do Super Power. Thank you Sir!

Dr. Eldon Weiner of Freedom Magazine

DW: Indeed, we are all indebted to COB.

TC: Okay, so, Doc Weiner, see if you can think with this data: Running and lots of it. Hour upon hour upon hour around a pole.

DW: (Laughing) Not  for me Tom. No sir, I’m afraid I’m a little too old and fat. Hahahaha.

TC: NO DOCTOR WEINER NO! Stop it! Super Power is a lot of running and you need to start running laps in the new Super Power Building because that’s what it’s there for! All Scientologists — whatever their age — need to use this Tech!

DW: But, ahh, Tom, I’m afraid I’d have a heart attack or stroke out if I did all that running at my age…

TC: Stop it Doc! Stop dramatizing your stupid wog meat body considerations and go suit up in the locker room and run some laps now! We can twin up and go do it now!

DW: But I, err…

TC: Who cares if you drop your body running! You just go to nearest hospital and pick up a new baby body!

DW: Well I suppose I could walk a few laps to start, to sorta warm up.

TC: FLUNK! That is suppressive reasonableness! Let me do some word clearing here with you Doc, because I can see you’re not getting it: “Running” is a verb, an action word, that means “to run” as in “running for hours around the pole in the new Super Power Building.” Got it?

DW: Understood.

TC: Good. So yeah, Super Power is a lot of running for hours around the pole in the new Super Power Building.  After that there is a motion quadrant, a gyroscope thingamajig, they strap you in and then you spin around. Upside down, sideways, in circles — and it’s really fast. Wild and wooly crazy spinning upside down and all over until…

DW: Dear God…

TC: What’s that? What that “Dear God” thing about Doc’? You gonna wimp out on me on the gyroscope, no confront of the physical universe?

DW: Tom, I’m a senior citizen and I have a bad knee and some other body things, uhh, my chiropractor says I shouldn’t do….

TC: Screw your considerations Doc! Just go in and push that old meat body of yours around and make it obey you! You’re the thetan in charge of the body! Do it now! Go and run laps and spin around and then roll around in oil!

DW: Oil?

TC: Yeah, oil. Oiliness is a perception. You roll around in oil on the Super Power Rundown.

DW: I could do that. I could go put on a pair of gym trunks right now and roll around in oil. We can go twin up on that.

TC: I don’t want to think about rolling around in oil with you Doctor Weiner.

DW: What’s say we end the interview now Tom?

TC: Great idea Doc!

DW: Thank you. Will you be writing a KR on me?

TC: Doc, you really need to be written up on this one….