Damage Control Scientology Style

UA CEO: Hello Dave? Did you get the wire transfer I sent you for PR damage control consulting?

COB: It arrived safely.

UA CEO: This incident on the plane… it’s getting uglier by the second. People think United Airlines is evil and that I’m the Antichrist himself.

COB: Tell me about it. That’s my life most days.

UA CEO: You guys in Scientology know all about being in bad situations… I just need help.

COB: Here’s what my people in the Office ah Spe-shul Affairs found out. The guy your goons dragged off the plane and beat is a freakin’ pervert with a capital P! I mean what we got here is a rageaholic doctor trading ass for narcotics. Jesus R6 Cheerist! How I wish this guy was a wealthy Scientologist! I could clip him for $25,000,000 easy!

UA CEO: So whadda I do?

COB: Whadda do?! Lou can you believe it? This effin wog gets it handed to him on a silver platter and he don’t know whadda do. You stupid meat body wog! Look, I took care of it for ya’s. That’s why ya’s pays me the big moola! I had my people in Office ah Spe-shul Affairs publish the dirt on this here pervert doctor all over the place. We put this guy on trial!

UA CEO: Lemme look at the interweb here… Dave, I see it! The guy looks like a freakin’ criminal scumbag!

COB: Exactamundo! That’s the beauty of Fair Game. You beat a guy to a pulp and suddenly he’s the pervert and the criminal! I do it all the time. Now just write this perv a check and have your wog lawyers make him sign a buncha contracts to shut up and go away.

UA CEO: You’re the best Dave!

COB: Thanks for the ack. Now while I gotcha on the phone it seems my people in the Office ah Spe-shul Affairs found some stuff on ya’s that ain’t so good while they was digging…

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COB’s Sticky Buns!

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Scientology Media Productions Sitcom: Cafe in Portland

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Cafe in Portland, Episode 1: Being unemployable anywhere else, Reza Aslan signs a 2.5 year contract to work at the cafe in Scientology’s Portland Ideal Org. Joining him there is the equally unemployable Jennifer Lankheim. Comedy ensues on episode one when Reza serves human brain soup to Scientologists who discover their affinity for cannibalism and eagerly devour the tasty treat they call “Wogbrain soup.” Jennifer meanwhile writes a long hand-wringing letter to Freedom asking for her old job back. John Sugg reads her letter, laughs, and throws it in trash.

Cafe in Portland, Episode 2: After Reza Aslan is severely beaten and RPF’d for massively crashing the stats in the cafe, Sea Org member Cristin Woodruff is fired off on a mission to handle the situation. Cristin uses the exact LRH tech to conduct a why-finding for the statcrash. After hundreds of hours of sec-checking local Scientologists, Cristin finds the WHO responsible for the statcrash: Leah. SMP and OSA then comically spend $5,000,000 to make a series of butthurt videos about how Leah caused the cafe to fail.

Cafe in Portland, Episode 3: After donuts, pastries, and cakes begin to disappear from the cafe, IJC Mike Ellis is sec checked. He denies everything but his rockslamming on the meter tells a different story. Things take an ugly turn when MAA Julian Swartz shows up in Portland to handle the IJC.

Cafe in Portland, Episode 4: Shannon Burwell explains why she wrote the KR’s on Mike Ellis after she observed him hiding in the walk in freezer eating pies and cakes while crying and sobbing to himself about how everyone hates him. Shannon then discusses why she is so broke that she has a GoFundMe page to raise $1200 for art supplies for her child’s private school.

Cafe in Portland, Episode 5: A party after Penny Atwell Jones and COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige use the technology of GAT II to boom the stats of the cafe to highest evers. But suddenly Nancy the barista (played by Jenna Elfman) discovers false reporting by, you guessed it, Reza Aslan. It seems that Reza, after doing lowers, had talked his way back into the cafe. Comedy ensues as COB flips his wig and makes Reza lick the bathroom floors in the cafe with his tongue. Reza thinks it’s a degrading and humiliating ritual but does it anyway because he alone is so soulful that he can see the beauty even in horrific religious practices.

David Miscavige’s New All White Bedroom

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After throwing a major ecclesiastical temper tantrum and rather dramatically screaming that his existing bedroom was too dark and depressing, David Miscavige demanded a new white bedroom. “I need white to match my new spring pompadour and suit!” the Scientology Pontiff exclaimed.

The IAS stepped in and generously donated $5,000,000 to fund the Ideal COB Bedroom. A trained crew of Swiss experts demolished COB’s old $2,500,000 bedroom that featured the finest in imported zebra wood, Italian marble, and a luxurious comforter made from the oily pelts of rare Amazonian beavers. This comforter was not wasted. An errant RTC executive was rolled up into the comforter; whereupon she was bound in it by ropes and thrown into a nearby raging river swollen by snow runoff. But that is not the point.

The point is that COB has a fabulous new white bedroom for spring. This bedroom features a set of matching Schonbeck 6967-26TK Swarovski Sophia chandeliers. And, per RTC policy, COB’s new bedroom features a high-speed magnetic rail escape tunnel that ultimately leads to the Nirvana of Bulgravia.

Scientology Is Not Sinking!

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Contrary to popular belief, the Church of Scientology is not sinking like the ill-fated Titanic. Rather, Scientology is undergoing an intense Underwater Freezing Saltwater Purif that will take it down 1,000 meters under the ocean.

While this intense Purif will cause the immediate and permanent exteriorization of those Scientologists who can’t afford a ticket on a life boat, these downstat and financially weak Scientologists are an embarrassment to the Church. They can and must be disposed of quietly and without sorrow. May they arise from the depths as better and more able thetans in their next lifetime.

Scientology Fugitive David Miscavige Arrested by the FBI

After a nearly year-long manhunt, Scientology fugitive David Miscavige was arrested by the FBI in Las Vegas after being picked up by local police for a minor shoplifting incident.

Las Vegas police responded to a shoplifting call at the Walmart Supercenter located on the 4500 block of West Charleston Boulevard. The suspect was a white male in his late 50’s who was described as being “extremely intoxicated.”

“The suspect had shoplifted several packs of underwear, socks, breath mints, and two bottles of scotch,” said Sargent Lisa Davenport of the LVPD. “After running his prints we discovered we were holding Scientology fugitive David Miscavige in our drunk tank. That’s when we contacted the FBI on the outstanding federal warrant against Miscavige.”

“The Las Vegas FBI took Mr. Miscavige into custody and transported him by aircraft to the federal Supermax prison in Colorado where he is being held without bond pending trial.”

The US Attorney General’s Office has charged David Miscavige with conspiracy to commit religious fraud. According to the indictment, beginning in about 1984 continuing until present time, Miscavige conspired with others to fraudulently issue, offer, and sell phony Scientology Clear, OT, and IAS certificates issued by corporate shells which they controlled, including the Church of Scientology International, Flag Service Organization, the Flag Ship Service Organization, and the International Association of Scientologists.

Additionally, Miscavige and conspirators engaged in deceptive practices and issued misleading press releases to promote “IAS Statuses” to give credulous Scientology parishioners the impression that the defendants were actively engaged in the dissemination and protection of the Scientology religion, when in truth, Miscavige and his fellow conspirators were allowing the Church of Scientology to be destroyed by their profligate and violent acts,  which included Miscavige’s wholetrack campaign of terror and looting IAS bank accounts by collecting hundreds of millions of dollars in FSM commissions and personal appearance fees during the decades in which he spoke and engaged in high pressure fundraising at IAS events.

The charges against Miscavige allege that CSI, FSO, FSSO, and the IAS were hollow shells that did not engage in regular or substantial religious activities, did not produce any actual religious goods or services, and did not make auditors, Clears, or OT’s as promoted in their news releases.

According to the indictment, Miscavige and his conspirators fraudulently induced Scientology parishioners to donate billions of dollars to unregistered CSI, FSO, FSSO, and IAS entities in Aruba, Bonaire, and Curacao in exchange for glorified bowling trophies given at gouache and overwrought IAS ceremonies.

Although these IAS trophies have an actual market value of less than $1000 apiece, the conspirators offered and sold these trophies for billions of dollars, the proceeds of which were divided and distributed among Miscavige and his fellow other conspirators, which conspirators consisted mainly of what the indictment calls “wog lawyers.”

“Most of the ill-gotten monies were laundered, structured, and normalized by investing in a vast real estate portfolio called “Ideal Orgs.” Miscavige has a 75% ownership in this real estate portfolio with his his fellow conspirators controlling 25%.

Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion could not be located in order to respond to these charges. Delusion was last seen on surveillance cameras at a Mobil gas station in Hercules, California where he made an ATM withdrawal. It is believed he may be hiding at a CST nuclear vault in Capitola, California.

Scientology Media Productions buys time on Spectrum Cable

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We in RTC checked our 1988 set of World Book encyclopedias in the basement and found that Major League Baseball began broadcasting on TV in 1947. Arriving on cable in 2017, then, Scientology comes to TV only a scant 70 Earth years after American baseball made its debut.

And even now we are hedging our bets by purchasing time on Spectrum, the big cable company that offers hundreds of channels, 10,000+ On Demand choices, and 1,500+ HD choices. Sure, Scientology might get lost in the 12,000 offerings available on Spectrum, but COB wants to do television gradiently and not rush into things.

Scientology waited so long because we were suspicious that “tele-vision” was actually a Marcab device that implanted mental image pictures into populations and thus aberrated entire planets and civilizations. Moreover, COB has always been suspicious of all of those flashy TV executives in their shiny silk suits and fancy designer sunglasses always wanting “pitch meetings” where they talk about “Star Trek” being “Bonanza in Outer Space.” COB can’t think with that dat-uh.

What COB needed and wanted answered is this: How can TV raise Scientology’s gross income and counter the oceans of entheta created by the haters and bigots out here who choose to attack Scientology because they have nothing better to do? That’s what COB needed to hear and didn’t. And so that’s why he opened his tightly guarded little Versace change purse and threw a few shekels on the table to set up SMP.

As we in RTC have been promising, the inaugural SMP broadcast will feature global religious leasers the Messrs. Miscavige and Farrakhan ranting about the Psychs, vaccinations, public schools, and yes, the goddamned internet and what a piece of obscene filthy garbage the entire internet is and why it should be utterly destroyed and outlawed by the good and decent people of the world as part of planetary clearing.