Image by Mark
We in the Scientology Office of Special Affairs have disguised our low IQ colleague Ed Parkin as Mr. Peanut. We have done this because the real Mr. Peanut attacked the Church of Scientology during last weekend’s Super Bowl Twitter insanity.
Only haters and bigots fueled by Psych drugs would attack Scientology which is humanity’s only hope of salvation.
Therefore, while disguised as Mr. Peanut, we will have Ed commit various crimes for which the real Mr. Peanut will be arrested and imprisoned. We in Scientology are not the police but we are slowly teaching the unholy a lesson: Fuck with us and we will destroy you.
“With anti-religious bigots running loose everywhere across the world, all Scientologists are expected to buy and use the new religious bigotry alarm button,” said Rev. Ken Delusion, Director of Religious Bigotry Prevention for Scientology.
“Whenever a Scientologists sees even the faintest sign of religious bigotry, he or she is expected to push the religious bigotry button over and over and over until the religious bigotry ends. The piercing 150 decibel siren on the emergency button will deafen religious bigots!
“It is only by being loud and shrill for all of eternity that we in Scientology can end religious bigotry,” declared Rev. Delusion.
“In the meantime we must pray to a higher power that all of the anti-religious bigots will meet a horror-filled and awful fate; perhaps they will all be drowned in a global flood while we remain safe on the Scientology Org-Ark!”
We in Scientology are outraged that Mr. Peanut would engage in religious bigotry and hatred! What would Mickey do?
“Pictures don’t lie,” said Valley Ideal Org Executive Director Ken Delusion. “Our Org is leaning. The entire building slopes towards Burbank Blvd.
“This sloping of the building interfered with yesterday’s meeting of the Emergency Plenary Committee on Excess Carpeting & Floor Space. Water bottles kept falling over. Speakers had to stand at unnatural angles to compensate.
“A wog geological engineering firm we hired was able to determine the ‘Why’ for why the Org is leaning,” Delusion noted. “It seems that the 1,500 trillion metric tons of unsold Basics libraries in the basement has caused a failure in the ground beneath the Org.
“But what can we do?” Delusion lamented. “COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige long ago ordered the Valley to take in and store in our basement all of the unwanted Basics libraries produced by Bridge Publications each day. This has been going on for ten years now.
“As a consequence, the Valley Org now owes Bridge Publications over $250,000 trillion dollars for these Basics libraries. Worse, the City of Los Angeles is demanding that we fix the problem. We have no money and only a tiny handful of staff. The solution, per the Founder, is to fix it using Scientology. But how can we do this when Scientology caused the problem in the first place? Color me hopeless,” Delusion concluded.
The Scientology Emergency Plenary Committee on Excess Carpeting & Floor Space Meets to Discuss the Crisis
“Scientology’s straight up and vertical expansion over the years has created a crisis of excess carpeting and floor space,” declared ED Daphne Dimwit of the San Fernando Valley Ideal Org.
“The carpet cleaning and maintenance bills are killing us here at the Valley Org,” lamented ED Dimwit. “We have a cavernous empty main room that was only used once this past month — and that was for a half-day photo op of the Emergency Interfaith Committee.”
“We at the Valley Org would be so much better off selling the building to a real church and just meeting over at Nancy’s house once a month. The same is true of the other Ideal Orgs. They’re all just so big and empty.”
“Declaring the internet to be proveable bullshit, we in the Scientology Sea Org are preparing to wage war against rationality, reason, sanity, and all other manifestations of the internet,” declared Fleet Admiral David Miscavige.
“The internet is the reactive mind writ large in cyberspace. Whereupon,” declared the Fleet Admiral, his pompadour glistening in the sunlight from a fresh application of mink oil, “we in Scientology shall commence to destroy the internet and all of the massive and vomit-spewing suppression it embodies.”
“Out beta test proved that we could knock out Spectrum broadcast signal in Clearwater. Now it’s time to turn the Hubbard Model 47 Spectrum Jammer up to 11 and block all internet signal across the entire planet!” cackled the Fleet Admiral.
Pastor Ernest Angley is reaching out to you today. He wants you stop wasting your time attacking Scientology and wants you to reach out for Jesus. In fact, why don’t you just get a life and stop committing full time suppressive acts?