We in Scientology are not a Cult!

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We in Scientology are not a Cult! Plenty of religions have paramilitaries, prisons, beat their clergy & conduct interrogations on members.

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Freedom Magazine Exposes the Television Critics Association!

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Church of Scientology Rushed to the Hospital Again! Prognosis is Dire!

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After hearing that the A&E show Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath won the TCA award for Outstanding Achievement in Reality Programming, the Church of Scientology collapsed on the pavement and was rushed to the hospital and placed in intensive care for heart palpitations, shortness of breath, and an anxiety attack.

“This is the second time in less than a month that the Church of Scientology has been rushed to the ER of the Hollywood Religious Hospital,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “The prognosis is grim. Initial tests by Dr. Metah Bolic show a dangerous and inoperable Miscavige tumor in Scientology’s brain.”

“As reported by Ellen Thompson, Scientologist Elisabeth Moss was able to flee from the auditorium when it was announced that Leah had won. Elisabeth went Type III and is being held in an Introspection Rundown at PAC Base. As you can imagine,” Delusion noted, “Leah’s victory is a huge third dynamic engram for Scientologists. After all, they donated $100,000,000 for Scientology Media Productions, a downstat Org that has zero product in over a year.”

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Are You a Tough Angry Sonofabitch? If so, Scientology Wants You!

Scientology Security Forces Shatter Suppression!

We in the Church of Scientology are the world’s fastest growing religion. Our growth continues to skyrocket uncontrollably as billions of thetans clamor for Scientology goods and services like never before.

But with this growth comes unparalleled magnitudes of suppression from SP’s. This is where you as a tough angry sonofabitch enter the scene. Scientology needs unemployed soccer hooligans, felons out on parole, and other brutal thugs who need to live off the grid for various reasons. We don’t ask. In fact, we can create a new name and identity for you as a Scientology minister.

The Sea Org is a group of tough sons of bitches. We get things done. Qualified candidates must be able to physically beat SP’s in the streets and to be able to withstand being physically beaten as required.  Ecclesiastical beatings are a part of the Sea Org tradition. We are just like the British Navy in the 18th century in that respect, which is to say your criminal history and extensive arrest record make you very desirable to Scientology.

Uniforms are provided. Free room and board. Weekly pay ranges from zero to as much as $46.50 for a 100 hour work week. All new hires will be trained to confront and shatter suppression the old fashioned way! (wink wink)

Anthony Scaramucci Appointed as New Executive Director of Scientology Media Productions

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“COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige is pleased to announced the appointment of Mr. Anthony Scaramucci as the new Executive Director of Scientology Media Productions,” said Ken Delusion at the regular Monday press conference. “COB feels that Scaramucci will bring with him that ‘rip everyone a new asshole’ work ethic which COB feels is vital for getting anything done in Scientology.”

“Former SMP E/D Stayta Kleer has been sent to the RPF’s RPF at the Pyongyang Ideal Org due to her chronic counter-intentionedness and evil purposes against COB. Stayta Kleer was trying to destroy Scientology organizations and produced ZERO product for SMP during her one year tenure as E/D.”

“The failure of SMP to produce anything is all her fault. COB gave her every opportunity to do something, anything, and all he got from her was excuses such as ‘SMP has no money, we have not been given any money to do anything. Staff is not being paid and has not been paid for one year yada yada yada.’ Well sorry but that’s not COB’s problem. Stayta Kleer’s job was to make it go right and she didn’t.”

Scientology & Disconnection

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The Church of Scientology is pleased to announce its newest venture: Theta Movers. This full service moving company is here to service all your moving needs when OSA has ordered you to move far away from neighboring SP’s, particularly when these SP’s are family who want to stop your Bridge progress.

“While we in the Church of Scientology most definitely do not practice Disconnection as portrayed by the ASC-controlled wog media,” said VP of Disconnection Services Mr. Ken Delusion, “We strongly feel that no Scientologist should be forced to live near any source of enturbulances or suppression who are hostile to their practice of Scientology and its policy of Disconnection, a policy that is widely misunderstood.”

“Disconnection does not ‘break up families’ as claimed,” emphasized Mr. Delusion who has not spoken to his own parents in ten years after they were declared SP’s for reading entheta on the internet, “Rather, Disconnection simply rearranges families and changes ‘communication‘ to ‘no communication.’ And indeed as the Founder said, ‘No communication with disaffected family members prevents a chaos of thinkingness, a flood of restimulative human emotion and reaction in which the gung ho Scientologist feels torn between the Church and his or her family. Dramatizing family is a homo sap weakness, nothing more than genetic entity think and the Homo Novis is a skyscraper higher than such concerns, particularly when Scientology so desperately needs more money.”

“It is a high crime, a violation of KSW to put family before the Church,” Delusion pointedly insisted. “And even my own parents know how easy it is to get back in touch with me. They simply need to do A-E, make up the damage they’ve done to the group, and strike an effective blow against the members of the group they’ve been pretending to be a member of. Marty has set a sterling example in this regard as he suffers up through the conditions.”

“In happier news,” said Delusion, “the new Hubbard Trailer Rancho has opened in Dunedin. Named after the Founder, this older trailer park was acquired by the ILO recently with IAS funds. The park features affordable single wide trailer homes and is intended for those Scientologists who don’t have the reach or wherewithal to afford a stick built home. And per Scientology policy, the Hubbard Trailer Rancho is ringed with a razor wire fence to keep SP’s out and Scientologists in.”

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Church of Scientology Demands that All Reporters & Other SP’s Be Fired!

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We in Scientologists Taking Action Against Discrimination demand the following:

1. All reporters who have ever have written any entheta about Scientology be fired for being bigots and haters.

2. All filmmakers and television producers who have ever have made movies or programs that contain any Black PR or entheta about Scientology be fired for being bigots and haters.

3. All wogs who have ever posted any entheta or made joking & degrading remarks about Scientology online be permanently banned from the internet for being bigots and haters.

The Church of Scientology is committed to free speech. However, free speech is not a free pass to broadcast or publish anything about the Church of Scientology unless we first approve of it. If not submitted for approval, we will savagely attack the parties responsible.

Our people in OSA are the worse sort of stupid stalled OT white trash rednecks and so is COB.  These mighty OT’s are free to publish hate websites and videos that contain outright lies, malicious slander, and all manner of calumnies against SP’s. These demented lunatics are free to Fair Game those who attack Scientology. They are free to use pc folder data on hate websites.

We in the Church of Scientology are free to be haters, bigots, liars, and hypocrites. This is not a double standard nor is it hypocrisy. It is just what it takes to confront and shatter suppression.