Archeo-Scientologists Discover an Intact 75-Million Year Old Spaceplane!

Just as the discovery of 50,000 year old fossilized e-meter shocked the world and proved the antiquity of Scientology, the latest discovery by Dr. Ken Delusion’s team of Archeo-Scientologists is guaranteed to stun the world!

After using hundreds of bulldozers and over a million tons of dynamite to clear cut over one million acres of pristine Andean rain forest, Dr. Delusion and his team today discovered an intact DC-8 spaceplane that crash-landed 75,000,000 years ago near one of the principal volcanoes of Earth.

“This is huge. Just huge,” exclaimed Dr. Delusion. “The haters mock Scientology over claims that (redacted) kidnapped trillions of people on other planets 75,000,000 years ago and dumped them into the volcanoes of Earth — which was then called Teegeeack — but our discovery of the DC-8 spaceplane proves Incident II of OT III actually happened!”

“Archeo-Scientology has far exceeded anything the Mormons have produced in their dubious archeological attempts to prove that Jesus was in North America preaching to New World Jews.”

“Yeah, right,” sniffed Dr. Delusion. “A blonde-haired, blue-eyed, white-skinned Jesus flew over from Jerusalem on El Al and preached to Jewish Incas. The guy would’ve needed a lot of sunscreen along the equator. Whatever. I don’t care so long as the Mormons let we in Scientology keep our money in their Zions Bank to conceal, err, protect it.” In related news, the Nation of Islam has applauded the work and opinions of Dr. Delusion and his team of highly trained Archeo-Scientologists.

Fossilized E-Meter Found at Archeological Dig Proves Scientology is 50,000 Years Old!

“The world-changing discovery of a fossilized e-meter at a dig in Iraq proves that Scientology is 50,000 years old,” announced Dr. Ken Delusion, Scientology’s Director of Archeo-Emeterology, an emerging new scientific field.

“Also found by Scientology archeologists were primitive electrical ‘Baghdad Batteries’ that were used to power the ancient e-meters.

“Golden plates discovered at the scene were quickly translated using the Urim and Thummin on loan from our friends at the top secret Mormon archives that  Leonard Arrington and the squirrels in his hated History Division were never allowed to know about.

“The plates show that LRH was then using the royal name of ‘El-Ron-Atam, the Hubbard of the Nile, and the Fountainhead of the Technology of 100% Standard Scientology.’

“Additional information decoded from the golden plates  proves that the Giza Complex and the Great Pyramid were all ancient Scientology Ideal Orgs,” proclaimed Dr. Delusion. “We in Scientology have at last been vindicated as being the original, oldest, and the only true religion on Earth.”

Freeloading Trillion Year Old Evil Space Alien Thetan in a Baby Body Busted!

Little Benjie Witt’s  mother Bonnie — an OT III — walked into the living room to find Benjie on the floor “playing” with the television remote control. Benjie had turned the television to Leah Remini’s show.

“This was Benjie’s attempt to expose his mother to Black PR,” explained Ken Delusion. “Benjie, you see, is actually a trillion year old evil space alien thetan in a baby body. We know this for a fact because Benjie refuses to pick up the cans of the e-meter for a sec check. Only a criminal with evil purposes would refuse a sec check. This little deadbeat has a lot to hide!”

Angered that this Marcab freeloader constantly demands to be fed and diapered at all hours of the day and night while offering nothing in exchange, Bonnie and her husband Durwood, also an OT III, have decided to sell the impostor. “Childless wogs will pay $50,000 on the black market for a healthy baby body like this one,” said Delusion. “And that $50,000 will pay for Bonnie and Durwood’s next IAS Patron status.”

“This is truly a win-win in which two OT’s get to offload a wholetrack Psych implanter onto some unsuspecting wogs while increasing their IAS Status. Now that’s what you call Scientology in action,” Delusion chuckled.

Generalissimo David Miscavige of the Scientology Imperial War Department Declares War on Colombia!

Generalissimo David Miscavige

Generalissimo David Miscavige of the Scientology Imperial War Department has declared war on Colombia.

“Generalissimo Miscavige was publicly humiliated by the Colombian people!  And many have called his award a Medalla Falsa,” announced Scientology Minister of Disinformation Colonel Ken Delusion.

“The outrageous mocking of Generalissimo Miscavige will not be tolerated! Scientology has already sent its spy ship the MV Freewinds to Cartagena to scout the harbor and lay out plans for the larger invasion of Colombia by Scientology’s military forces.”

Scientology to Turn Its Glut of Empty Ideal Orgs into Airbnb’s

“With a glut of empty Ideal Orgs splattered across the continents of Earth, we in Scientology are hemorrhaging cash paying for the upkeep on all of this square footage. Accordingly, Scientology will be turning its Ideal Orgs into Airbnb’s,” announced Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Rent one room, one floor, or the entire Org for a day, a week, or a month. These Ideal Orgs have all been lavishly renovated. However, please be advised that you must bring your own toilet paper as we in Scientology do not provide anyone with free toilet paper ever. That is one of Scientology’s most sacred sacraments.”

Scientology Businessmen Jeff & Jim Spina Awarded the “LRH Honesty in Business” Award

Scientology brothers and OTVIII’s Jeff and Jim Spina have been awarded the prestigious L. Ron Hubbard Honesty in Business Award at the annual WISE Labor Day Luncheon and Victory Ceremony.

“The Spina brothers along with their staff members and fellow Scientologists Kimberly Spina and Andrea Grossman run a very high volume chiropractic business that literally treats hundreds of patients each day,” said WISE Executive Director Mr. Ken Delusion. “That the Spina brothers are able to treat so many patients is a tribute to the remarkable efficiency of L. Ron Hubbard’s business technology.”

The Spina’s business partner Dr. Charles Bagley was unable to attend the awards ceremony due to being unavoidably detained in a meeting in New York City.

Deadly Pneumonia Epidemic Slams Colombia as OT Materials are Broadcast on Television! Scientology to Abandon This Criminal Nation!

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige singlehandedly saved the entire nation of Colombia from violence, evil, terror, drug-traffickers, and every other danger. For his efforts, the grateful nation of Colombia awarded him its highest medal for having saved humanity.

The Merchants of Chaos in Colombia reacted with an ungodly wave of terror. Scientology threatened their lucrative wars, sale of illegal narcotics, and the Psych drugging of the population beginning with forced vaccinations of screaming babies all the way through to “Dr. Feel Good” injections of Vistaril into the enfeebled elderly on their death beds.

The Psychs had squirrel versions of the upper levels OT materials broadcast on Colombian TV. This created a pandemic of pneumonia in a nation that was on the verge of becoming the first cleared nation in Hispaniola, a land discovered so long ago by Christopher Colombia for whom the nation is named.

Colombia had its chance and blew it. These degenerate wogs can go back to snorting cocaine and shooting each other. COB has sold the Bogota Ideal Org to a group of very legitimate Colombian businessmen for an undisclosed sum paid all in cash.