The Way to Happiness: Do Not Murder
The Cancellation of Scientology’s Nuremberg Rallies Drives David Miscavige Into Agonizing Applause Withdrawal
“COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has not been able to hold one of his large Nuremberg rallies all year,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “COB craves the applause and the hundreds of […]
Scientology Issues New Social Distancing Tech: “Be Six Feet Behind Your Head.”
In a technical departure from L. Ron Hubbard’s dictum ‘be three feet behind your head‘ we in the Church of Scientology have ordered all thetans be six feet behind their heads. This […]
Church of Scientology Asks President Trump to Pardon David Miscavige
“Without admitting to any crimes whatsoever, Mr. David Miscavige is nevertheless asking President Trump to issue him a full pardon him for any and all crimes he may have accidentally or unknowingly […]
Startling New Scientology Evidence Sheds Light on the Disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa
Shortly before his sudden disappearance in 1975, Teamsters boss Jimmy Hoffa told a US Congressional Committee that he was ordering America’s one million Teamsters to do Dianetics and Scientology courses. Hoffa proclaimed […]
Message Authorized by RTC for Broad Public Issue to all Scientologists
Church of Scientology Sues QAnon for Infringing Its Copyrights on Selling Fear & Conspiracy Porn
“We in the Church of Scientology are furious with QAnon!” roared Ken Delusion. “Selling paranoia and fear and implaning people is Scientology’s core business market,” Delusion emphasized. “QAnon has no goddamned business trying to cut into our lucrative Fear and Porn market.
Battlefield Earth: Scientology in Crisis
Dr. L. Ron Hubbard has returned to Earth from Target 2 to help guide Scientology organizations through their darkest hours. “By mere observation I have seen that David Miscavige has become worse […]
Scientology Volunteer Ministers Distribute Ten Million Coat Hangers
“Wogs are unbelievably stupid and incapable,” said Ken Delusion, Executive Director of Scientology Public Safety Programs. “Only we in Scientology know how to do anything. We are the experts on the mind, […]
Church of Scientology Mobile Ideal Orgs Roll Out This Week!
“If Scientologists won’t come to the Orgs, then the Orgs will come to them!” COB defiantly declared, this after RTC missionaires discovered the WHY for the cataclysmic 90% drop in Church attendance […]
