“Disgusted with the lack of praise, applause, acknowledgement, and heroism medals due him, David Miscavige resigned his office as COB RTC this morning at 0900 hours local time Hollywood, California,” announced Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Mr. Miscavige was also completely disgusted by a wog judge declaring him served in a lawsuit. Mr. Miscavige felt the court treated him like a common criminal when he is, in fact, due the respect befitting his status as world’s premiere ecclesiastical leader.

“Given all that the world owes Mr. Miscavige and has not paid him, Mr. Miscavige resigned. Whereupon, the CST Special Directors voted to appoint Yuri Andropov (1914-1984) to replace David Miscavige.

“The CST Special Directors felt that the dead Communist despot was the perfect choice to replace David Miscavige.

“‘When he was alive,’ noted CST Special Director Linda Hamel, ‘Yuri Andropov was a screaming, corrupt, and brutal tyrant who had no actual personality aside from his chronic series of rampaging, narcissistic, and petulant tirades. These tirades usually ended in people suddenly disappearing after incurring his displeasure. In this sense, Andropov is Miscavige and Miscavige is Andropov. Therefore, this will be a seamless leadership change.’

“Mr. Andropov’s orders will be telepathically dispatched from the Great Beyond to attorney Monique Yingling who is also a certified channeler and spiritual medium. She will then relay COB RTC Mr. Yuri Andropov’s orders via Telex from her home at the Sunny Villas Retirement Community in Miami.

“Of course, Mr. Miscavige will issue ‘Dave Advices’ to the Church from his Bluebird Motorhome located somewhere. We in Scientology have lost track of Dave as he away doing upper level researches.”