Why Tom Cruise Refused to Rescue a Comedian Trapped in a Car Getting Coffee

Who’s laughing now Mr. Joke Man?

While out to get coffee, comedian Trey Southpark suddenly found himself trapped in his Porsche on Interstate 5 during the massive rainstorms here in Los Angeles.

“The panicked funnyman called Scientology Los Angeles and asked us to send Tom Cruise to the rescue,” said Church spokesperson Ken Delusion.

We refused to send Tom Cruise because Trey has made dozens of bigoted remarks about Scientology and falsely called it comedy. We know this because our Office of Special Affairs maintains dossiers on all Jokers and Degraders such as Trey Southpark.”

“Scientology will not help jokers and degraders!” Delusion emphasized.

“Scientology will, however, dispatch Tom Cruise to rescue Trey only after Trey:

1) Formally and publicly apologizes to Scientology.

2) Makes a significant cash donation to our humanitarian programs.

“Until then Trey Southpark can sleep on the roof of his Porsche on Interstate 5!”

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