From his Scientology War Room in an undisclosed location, Scientology Supreme General for Life David Miscavige denied he was insanely jealous of Tom Cruise’s spectacular financial and career success with Top Gun 2.

“Top Gun 2 has grossed $538 million internationally in the two weeks since its release,” noted Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Conversely, we in Scientology have grossed $3,232 during the past two weeks.

“We also made 1 Clear and 2 OT’s,” Delusion emphasized. “Moreover, Scientologist Joy Villa sold two copies of Dianetics in Brighton in a single week.

“Scientology’s stats have crashed only because of Vladimir Putin who is also to blame for inflation, psychiatry, the coming Recession, the crypto crash and the rest of all the bad things in the world right now.

“Mr. Miscavige promises Scientologists that stats will boom internationally once the new Golden Age of, ahh, the Golden Age of umm, ahh, let me look at my prepared list…

“Ahh, yes. It is the Golden Age of Something Special. When COB’s new Golden Age of Something Special is released next year things will definitely be much better. In the meantime, Scientologists must grimly soldier on and continue to donate as much money as possible. Our target for June is to raise $11,905 in cash.”