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The Joel Osteen Effect: Scientology Orders all of Its Bathroom Walls Ripped Open in Search of Hidden Stashes of Money

Upon learning that a janitor found $600,000 in cash and checks hidden inside a bathroom wall in Joel Osteen’s church, Scientology leader David Miscavige has ordered all bathroom walls in Scientology ripped open in search of hidden stashes of money.

“Mr. Miscavige is convinced that the same SP’s who stole money from Pastor Joel Osteen and hid it in a bathroom wall were also operating inside of Scientology’s 115,987 Ideal Orgs; missions; interrogation rooms; dungeons; and social betterment facilities,” said Ken Delusion, Director of Financial Ontology in Scientology.

“Scientology should have a lot more money than it does,” Delusion noted. “There has obviously been a systematic Psych theft ring operating for years in our facilities. Mr. Miscavige’s plan calls for the walls in all 790,000 bathrooms located in our global facilities to be opened and inspected.”

“Work will begin immediately at Flag where fully 95% of the known thievery in Scientology occurs.”

3 replies »

  1. This is a brilliant strategy!!! Not only will billions in cash buck dollars be recovered, Scientology’s already amazing stats of square footage of sheetrock will skyrocket. Of course, to pay for this newly incurred expense, a global fundraising campaign will have to be start immediately. And as an added bonus, hundreds of thousands of misguided Sea Organization members will have the opportunity to rehabilitate themselves by providing free ecclesiastical labor to get this vital work completed by working tirelessly around the clock. Any thetan who has the unfortunate experience of being in the company of an Ethics Officer can work through a set of Lowers by providing a year’s worth of toilet paper once the remodel of Ideal Org bathrooms is complete.

    Liked by 1 person

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