“Scientology religious leader COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige signed into ecclesiastical law his newly-conceived and simplified 12 step program for Scientology’s Narconon drug treatment centers:
1. Collect $35,000 per drug addict entering a Narconon center.
2. Lock the drug addicts into a sauna for five hours per day.
3. Force-feed the drug addicts mega-doses of niacin.
4. Make the “patients” read LRH books while locked in the sauna.
5. Make the patients do Scientology TR’s while outside the sauna.
6. Declare the patients fully cured when their $35,000 ran out.
7. If the patient was not cured, dump them at a nearby bus station and let the family handle it from there.
8. Recruit the fully cured addicts into Scientology.
9. Make these new Scientologists staff members at Narconon.
10. Send in Sea Org enforcers as needed to weed out the f*ck ups on staff.
11. Publish promotional literature claiming a 90% success rate.
12. Endeavor to keep illegal drug use and sales at Narconon centers to <50% of patients.
COB RTC(Cocky Obnoxious Bastard, Rat-fucking Tyrannical Command) ushers in the Golden Age of GIMP(Gonzo Interstellar Mackin’ & Pimpin’).
A special unit, ASS(Ascended Sec-checking Succubi), will execute secret special orders to ensure the success of this Theta Mission. Proceeds from the Narconon Dealers Association’s(NDA) massive profits will underwrite this noble, homo novus endeavor!
For a limited time ONLY: 10% off on the Heliotrobus Special(a potent fentanyl/coke/heroin concoction that will put you on a satan, er, theta wavelength 3 universes back of your head…and reveal the secrets contained in the Prime Interstellar Asshole[PIA])!
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