1. COB’s joy in life is his daily go cart ride at 3:00 PM. Please ensure that COB’s go cart has been oiled, lubed, white gloved, sanitized, and fueled properly. Nothing is to distract COB during his daily one hour go cart ride. Even if Tom Cruise shows up, Mr. Cruise is to be respectfully asked to please wait in the RTC Officers Lounge.
2. COB is to be kept well fed and allowed to beat his staff at all times on a random basis.
3. Ensure that an adequate supply of beatable staff, at least 23 staff members, are always around COB.
4. These beatable staff members are COB’s entourage and are to continually praise him and fawn over him when he is not beating them.
5. All beatable staff members are to spend 2 hours per day writing up the crimes and evil purposes.
6. COB is to be fed imported New Zealand lamb. This is to be flown in fresh daily. Other expensive foodstuffs are to be provided to COB. He likes Arctic lobster which is located at a depth of 10,000 feet under the South Pole. Make it happen. Hire a special vessel.
7. Cigarettes and scotch are to be instantaneously provided to COB as he demands them.
8. COB’s Ecclesiastical Pompadour is serviced each day at 4:15 PM after his go cart ride. The RTC Ecclesiastical Pompadour Estates Team (EPET) performs the daily maintenance. Nothing is to interfere with this daily task of caring for the Ecclesiastical Pompadour. Your job is to spotlessly white glove and sanitize the Ecclesiastical Pompadour Service Chamber at 3:30 PM each day.
9. Never make eye contact with COB. Never speak to COB unless he initiates a communication to you first.
10. Sanitize COB’s golden toilet after each use. With the lawsuits and arrests increasing these days to Scientologist crims, COB often uses his toilet many times per day. Stay on top of cleaning COB’s golden toilet. If needed, appoint a Deputy COB Golden Toilet Cleaner from the RTC MEST Labor Force.
11. Change COB’s diapers every morning, and after his go-kart rde.