“The Freewinds was steaming through the Suez Canal to deliver the OT levels to millions of Muslims in the Middle East clamoring for Scientology,” explained Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.
“The Muslim world knows that Scientology can bring peace to the war-torn region just as Scientology ended the drug wars in Colombia.”
“But Big Oil had other plans as it profits from a state of perpetual war in the Middle East. Likewise, the Psychs want continuous war as it booms the sale of their feel-good Psych drugs!”
“To stop Scientology from bringing peace to the Middle East, Big Oil and Big Pharma conspired to ground the world’s largest container ship at the critical chokepoint in the Suez Canal! We in Scientology have exposed this nefarious plot!”
“We in Scientology are handling this situation by making OT postulates that the the waters will magically rise in the Suez canal and thereby the refloat the grounded leviathan,” Delusion declared. “In the meantime,” Delusion noted, “The Freewinds crew desperately needs emergency cash donations to pay for their food and fuel and a new engine.”