“It has long been scientifically proven that Zombies are unkillable,” noted Dr. Ken Delusion, Director of Scientology Medical Services. “Therefore, Scientology ecclesiastical leader Mr. David Miscavige has ordered all Scientologists to be vaccinated with the blood of Zombies.”
“The new RTC Zombie Blood Vaccine will make Scientologists unkillable by any means: Radiation, viruses, Tesla death rays, exotic Marcabian endotoxins, and even asteroids,” Delusion remarked. “Scientologists must survive the current chaos and take over the planet. The new Zombie blood vaccine guarantees that we as a group will all survive.”
“There will be no discernable side effects to this vaccine as the vast legions of David Miscavige sycophants who call themselves True Scientologists have long been in a ravening and hypnotic Zombie valence,” Delusion concluded.