“COVID-19 is killing vampires at an alarming rate,” warned Dr. Ken Delusion. “And this includes the vampires who work as Scientology regges.”
“Vampires drink infected blood and they die. And when vampires die, their billions of vampire body thetans are released into the atmosphere!” warned Dr. Delusion who serves as the Director of the Scientology Global Vampire BT Monitoring Task Force.
“There are now billions of vampire body thetans floating around the world attaching themselves to the general population,” Delusion solemnly informed the public.
“This global deluge of Vampire BT’s is part of what is making 2020 such a horrible year!”
“The only way for people to stay safe is to report to their nearest Scientology Ideal Org to get handled on our new Scientology Vampire BT Eradication Rundown.”
“Priced at only $49,500, this new Scientology rundown will locate and blow all of your vampire BT’s. As a result, your life will improve in many unspecified and dramatic ways by as much as 7,000%!”
“Come in as soon as possible to keep yourself safe from these billions of marauding vampire BT’s!”
Categories: OTVIIIisGrrr8!
OTVIIIisGrrr8! 
A point of clarification, Lestat de Lioncourt is not bisexual. Maybe when he was portrayed by a wog actor later on he might have dabbled in that. But when Tom Cruise played him in “Interview with a Vampire,” he was confidant heterosexual. By the way, Tom does his own stunts, a little known fact.
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Tom Cruise does his own stunts?! Getoutta here! Is there nothing that this mighty thetan Tom Cruise cannot do?
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COB is the FAVORITE host for vampire body thetans. He’s a vampire magnet!
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COB has so many vampire BT’s that he can’t even get out of bed most afternoons. “It’s not a hangover,” COB tells us. “It’s the enormous weight of these CICS Vampire BT’s I’m carrying!”
The only way to handle COB’s Vampire BT’s is to give COB a few Bloody Mary’s after he awakens.
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What about the walking dead? Do they have body thetans too?
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John, you pose a perplexing Scientological conundrum and one that the Founder never answered publicly. We in RTC queried the Compilations Unit and the answer is yes: The undead have body thetans. However, the BT’s clustered to the undead are a special class of entities that are the souls of dead morticians. This is very Space Opera you see: Like attracts like.
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