Tag Archives: Scientologists

Real Scientologists Demand Cash Auditing Subsidies from the US Government

“Social welfare programs that give billions of dollars to poor people are bigoted and hateful because they discriminate against Scientologists,” declared the new STAND League Executive Director Mr. Ken Delusion.

“For too long Scientologists have carried the financially ruinous burden of auditing day and night to Clear this goddamned Planet,” said Delusion. “Well now it’s time for the US taxpayer to repay the debt they owe us by giving all Scientologists a 75% auditing subsidy in the form of cash payments to the Church of Scientology!”

“It’s a matter of fundamental fairness,” Delusion reasoned. “Scientologists hold the cans in long and grinding auditing sessions until their hands literally bleed; this in an effort to break the hold of the deadly R6 bank over every man, woman, and child on this agonized planet. We don’t need your thanks; but we do demand compensation for the Herculean spiritual labors we undertake on your behalf.”

Mark Zuckerberg Apologizes to Scientology; Promises to Delete all Entheta on Scientology from Facebook

“Following a closed-door Serious Reality Adjustment Session with Scientology Pontiff David Miscavige and his ecclesiastical lawyers, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg publicly apologized to the Church of Scientology,” announced Ted Torquemada, the Chief Inquisitor of the Scientology religion.

“Mr. Zuckerberg’s change of heart, his repentance, and his promise to purge all entheta and Black PR about Scientology on Facebook was helped by the fact that a group of twelve very dedicated Russian Scientologists did some digging and found certain very unsavory information on Mr. Zuckerberg’s private habits and secret associates in what is clearly the Facebook Cartel.”

“For their dedicated work,” said Ted Torquemada, “the following Russian Scientologists in the Main Intelligence Directorate of the General Staff (Unit 74555) are very highly commended and have each received a one million dollar cash bonus from COB:

Mikhail Bystrov
Mikhail Burchik
Aleksandra Krylova
Anna Bogacheva
Sergey Polozov
Maria Bovda
Robert Bovda
Dzheykhun Ogly
Vadim Podkopaev
Gleb Vasilchenko
Irina Kaverzina
Vladimir Venkov

“Twitter be handled next by Unit 74555,” Ted Torquemada darkly intoned. “Jack Dorsey has certain… predilections… that would harm Twitter’s stock if this information came to light.”

Scientology Man: The New Super Hero for the 21st Century!

We at Scientology Media Productions are proud to announce our launch television series: Scientology Man: The New Super Hero for the 21st Century.

Scientology Man is everything a Scientologist in good standing should be:

* Recognizes COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige as the single most important being in the universe

* Regularly increases his IAS statuses

* Not afraid to write KR’s on his family and friends

* Is fully Homo Novis and does get colds or need eyeglasses; is superior to wogs in every way. Can read minds, fly through the air, and kill with an OT death stare

* Ruthlessly puts in Ethics on himself and others

* Brutally handles SP’s as needed

* Has super powers but does not show them off to wogs

* Attends all Scientology events; does not make excuses to avoid events

* Works to destroy Psychiatry, the Psychs, and Psych drugs

* Loves Tom Cruise and sees all of his films; John Travolta not so much

* Regularly increases his IAS statuses

* Use OT powers to find the best parking spots at the mall

* Attacks the ASC and embraces all doctrines of Rathbunology

* Attends all OT Committee meetings

* Volunteers in Central Files for his local Ideal Org

* Is the only one who can help at the scene of accidents

* Knows that LRH was a super secret intelligence agent and war hero

* Does not read entheta online

* Goes “all in” financially for Scientology

* Does not commit face crimes or natter about GAT II

* Spies for OSA when asked to do so

* Takes out new credit cards and loans when asked to do by regges

* Understands that “bankruptcy” is just a dramatization of the wog financial system

* Regularly increases his IAS statuses in each new unit of time

Scientology is not a Cult!

Scientology is not a Cult! Lots of groups dress in matching uniforms and fan out on Segways to distribute literature about the Psychs and their use of drugs to keep the Fourth Dynamic Engram in place.

The Horror!

Having returned home unexpectedly early from a business trip, New OVIII Juanita Romero walked into her bedroom that night and caught her husband Roberto watching… Scientology and the Aftermath!

Scientologists Are Dealing Badly With Reality These Days

Funny-Laughing-Gif-Picture

“Scientologists are dealing badly with reality these days,” said Ken Delusion.
“The Glee of Insanity has set in hard and appears to be permanent. Even OT’s are on the verge of going Type III.”

Church of Scientology to Install Toilet Paper Dispensers in Ideal Orgs

TP.Dispenser

In response to a recent survey of Scientology parishioners, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered all Ideal Orgs to install for-pay toilet paper dispensers. This will allow Scientologists to purchase either coarse of fine grade sheets of toilet paper.

“For the Church of Scientology to just give toilet paper away for free would be completely out exchange,” explained Ken Delusion, Executive Director of Bowel Movementology.  “And so COB decided to offer coarse and fine grades of toilet paper. The fine grade toilet paper is “highly deluxe movie star grade toilet paper” and obviously costs a small fortune. This is the stuff Tom Cruise uses.”

“The coarse grade stuff is an economy tissue we purchase from Bulgravia. Made from recycled asphalt dyed white, it is rough but much cheaper. It is perfect for downstat Scientologists who lack the wherewithal and reach to afford the fine toilet paper.”