Tag Archives: Scientologists

Scientology Is Not Sinking!

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Contrary to popular belief, the Church of Scientology is not sinking like the ill-fated Titanic. Rather, Scientology is undergoing an intense Underwater Freezing Saltwater Purif that will take it down 1,000 meters under the ocean.

While this intense Purif will cause the immediate and permanent exteriorization of those Scientologists who can’t afford a ticket on a life boat, these downstat and financially weak Scientologists are an embarrassment to the Church. They can and must be disposed of quietly and without sorrow. May they arise from the depths as better and more able thetans in their next lifetime.

I’m a Scientologist at my Org but a Wog everywhere else

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Dr. Frank Wonderman

A guest column by Dr. Frank Wonderman, Executive Director of Parishioner Interrogation & Surveillance Services

The recent 1,000+ parishioner interrogations, or sec checks, my department has conducted revealed a shocking fact: Fully 95% of Scientologists will only admit to being Scientologists when they are in their Orgs!

Everywhere else these theetie-wheetie, dilettante, no-confront Scientologists pretend to be Wogs so they can “blend in” and not be ridiculed for paying a fortune to belong to a strange group of lunatic cultists led by a violent narcissistic named David Miscavige.

While these perceptions are utterly false, for indeed Scientology is the most ethical and sane group to appear on  this planet in the last 75,000,000 years, the more important set of alternate facts at work are these:

  • We as Scientologists have never been closer to making planetary clearing a reality
  • There has never been a better time to call yourself a Scientologist
  • Scientology is now 50% better than it was before GAT II

It is true. With the release of OTIX and OTX we are now very close to clearing the planet. And of course, as COB has stated, we need to make every Org and every Continent Ideal. We also need to shatter all suppression and blow all the stops to planetary clearing.

All of this costs money and so COB needs you to up your IAS status now. Accordingly, the Reverend Doctor Alfreddie Johnson is touring all of the Orgs to encourage Scientologists to up their IAS statuses. Up your status today and you will receive many special trophies, medals, and fancy gold lapel pins. These glistening prizes will, once again, surely make you proud to be a Scientologist.

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The New Internet Only Freedom for Clears Rundown!

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Costume Fundraising Now a Bridge Action!

“Following COB’s ecclesiastical triumph of relocating the Purif and TR’s and Objectives to their rightful place high atop the Bridge after New OT VIII, Mr.  Miscavige has now found another piece of missing Tech,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “And this particular piece of missing Tech is so vital and planetary-changing that it has become a very advanced OT Bridge action. This action is in fact OT IX.”

“And yes, COB is speaking of Costume Fundraising as the new and exact technical action that will blow all of the barriers and stops to true planetary clearing. So vital is Costume Fundraising is that OT III is its prerequisite, for only OT III’s and above can truly handle and confront dressing up like pirates or Star Wars characters in order to raise money for Ideal Orgs”

“Seriously,” Delusion stressed, “Costume Fundraising is harder than it looks. One really needs to choke down their case, and even their pride, to costume fundraise and only veteran OT’s can do it. Lesser beings would blow.”

Costume.Fundraising

“Per COB, Costume Fundraising  is a 100% ‘on policy’ action designed to boom the Ideal Orgs. The  new GAT II OT IX Costume Fundraising level can be delivered at any Org.

“OT IX may be done after OT VIII, or, after OT III and the completion of the GAT II Purif and TR’s and Objectives. Moreover, it goes without saying that one must also be a Patron Blatherer to even be considered for invitation to the super-deluxe and exclusive GAT II OT IX.”

“GAT II OT IX includes hatting on the exact technology of Ideal Org costume fundraising, including the theft of copyrighted property for costume fundraising,” Delusion noted.