Sporting a new Donald Trump coiffure and 30 extra pounds from “shelter in place” binge eating while watching Netflix, Scientology leader David Miscavige announced today that he is asking the US Federal Government for $5 billion dollars in bailout money.

“As a business, Scientology has been hit hard by this planetary bullbait virus thing,” Miscavige declared. “The Orgs are emptier than Grant Cardone’s apartment buildings and Scientology has an astronomical cash burn rate. The cost of flying in fresh New Zealand lamb and Malaysian prawns for my dinner each evening isn’t cheap.”

“And why is there is no praise for me from the wog media for dousing the Orgs in Decon Seven?” Miscavige asked.

“Instead, I’m being attacked for calling people ‘hysterical’ about some disease with a lethality rate that is what? Look, if you die, you just go pick up a new body. That’s what we teach in Scientology. I don’t see the problem here. Those fuckers at Daily Beast are toast! I’m suing them!”

“The bottom line is that Scientologists are staying away in droves. The Orgs aren’t making any money. Scientology needs bailout money now now now! Scientology is too important to be allowed to go bust. I also think the entire world owes us for keeping Tom Cruise happy and safe.”