While he was on a secret trip to Macau to handle a very urgent and highly-secretive Scientology financial matter, the Chinese government today arrested ecclesiastical leader David Miscavige.

The Chinese authorities charged Mr. Miscavige with violating the COVID-19 travel ban. A further felony charge of “not doing enough to save humanity” was filed. A wild-eyed accusation of money laundering was also alleged.

Mr. Miscavige’s outraged personal attorney Jeffrey K. Bhuty-Sniffer immediately sent a terse and threatening letter to the Chinese government:

Dear Chinese Government:

I represent Mr. David Miscavige. I am writing to demand Mr. Miscavige’s immediate release from detention inside his luxury suite at The Venetian Macao resort.

Mr. Miscavige traveled to Macau under an emergency diplomatic visa issued by the island nation of Curacao, a part of the Kingdom of the Netherlands. Mr. Miscavige urgently needed to move large sums of money around various secret and numbered accounts to ensure the freedom and safety of all humanity. At stake are also 8,000 apartments in the US in which Mr. Miscavige and the Church have a sizeable and undisclosed financial interest. There is no money laundering here because Scientology is a church.

As for China’s accusation that Mr. Miscavige is “not doing enough to save humanity” may I remind you that Mr. Miscavige is dousing his Church in Decon Seven. Additionally, Mr. Miscavige is a Herculean figure who was awarded Colombia’s highest medal for saving the world.

If Mr. Miscavige is not released immediately and allowed to return to his secret compound, China will suffer the same ruinous financial fate as Gawker magazine. Scientology will sue China into oblivion.

Very Truly Yours,

Jeffrey K. Bhuty-Sniffer
Bhuty-Sniffer & Dixling LLP

China has now been warned.