“Scientology needs a new and better central conspiracy theory!” exclaimed Cult Leader Miscavige.
“Our current story of Xenu capturing everyone, throwing them into volcanoes, and nuking them can’t possibly compete with the exciting mythological big-screen narrative structure offered by the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
“Let’s face reality: The 23 movies in the Marvel series have brought in a whopping $22.5 billion at the box office! And what have we in Scientology brought in? $3 billion since 1950! That’s only $43 million a year — and our revenues continue to decline!
“Scientology simply can’t continue to limp along with its old story of Xenu and his billions of nameless, faceless, bland, powerless, and boring BT’s!
“Xenu and his BT’s must be replaced by a Scientology universe awash with dozens of new, powerful, and more exciting heroes and super-villains!“