“The shocking lab results show that none of the Scientologists aboard the Freewinds has human blood,” declared Dr. Joseph Cheeseman Thompson of the World Health Organization. “Instead, what we found flowing through the copper veins of these Scientologists is a 60/40 preparation of glycol and alcohol — in other words it is coolant for their robot bodies.”
“Our discovery is quite shocking and alarming: Scientologists are actually unfeeling and inhuman super-intelligent cyborgs out to conquer the world,” said Dr. Thompson. “Scientologists never get sick, never need eyeglasses, have perfect memories, and compute perfectly because they are cyborgs from another planet.”
“Our discovery also explains why Scientologists have a hard time acting human and instead act robotic. Their fake smiles, their easy ability to lie and to be cruel, and their weird thousand yard stares should have told us a long time ago that Scientologists are robots.
“But these Scientologists fooled we inferior humans into believing that they were just strange religious cultists. Yet now the world knows just how dangerous these Scientologists are and what their true agenda really is!”
“This all happened,” said Dr. Thompson, “because one Scientologist who was still in her human body had gotten the measles. She had come to the Freewinds to have her thetan transferred into a cyborg copy of her human body. That’s how we found out what OT VIII really is: The final step from human form into an angry, radical, and insane Scientology cyborg!”
“The massed forces of Earth must stop this evil alien race of Scientology cyborgs!”