Tag Archives: aliens

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Come to Flag Land Base & Learn Exotic OT Skills!

Marcabs Invade PAC Base!

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PAC Base Incident Report: 2213 Hours: Warships of the Marcabian Confederation decloaked and criminally penetrated Scientology airspace in an attempt to steal the OT materials. This violation of the RTC-Marcabian treaty may lead to war. Fleet Admiral David Miscavige has vowed to stop the recent unchecked episodes of Marcabian aggression and incursions into Scientology airspace.

Bottom line: The Marcabs will never get the OT materials and may never receive auditing in this or any other lifetime until they confess their crimes and give Scientology their exteriorization technology. We in Scientology need the Marcabian exteriorization technology because ours doesn’t work and never has.

Exclusive: Scientology’s Secret Underground Alien Base Discovered!

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CIA Director John O. Brennan today announced that the agency had discovered Scientology’s secret underground alien base at an undisclosed location.

“The Church of Scientology has been working with aliens since the 1950’s,” Director Brennan told the press. “These aliens need the DNA of Scientology OT’s in order to exist.”

“It seems,” the Director noted, “that even aliens have Reactive Minds and a NOT’s case. However, as aliens can’t metab on any known Earth e-meter, they can only get case gain by drinking pulped OT’s in a sort of smoothie drink.”

“In exchange for the OT’s provided by David Miscavige, the CIA has learned that the aliens give Mr. Miscavige gold bars from the mines they operate near the Mars Between Lives Implanting Station #811.”

“Not to be cynical, but we can now see why Mr. Miscavige — the man who leads a Church with 12,000,000 members — has been pushing ‘10,000 on Solo NOT’s’ for decades without this ever actually happening.”

 

Confidential Debrief to the NSA on Space Alien Abductions

Surprise RTC Announcement: The First Four OT X’s in the World Have Been Made on the Freewinds!

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We in RTC are pleased to announce the first four OT X’s in the world have been made aboard the Freewinds.

“These OT X’s are no longer homo saps; they have transcended the human form to become Homo Novis,” declared senior C/S Int Captain Holotta Delusion.

“These telepathic new Scientology super-beings are ravenous and feed on human flesh and blood. Specifically, each of these OT X’s needs to consume 8-10 wogs (humans) per day to remain stably OT X. If they miss a meal they could drop down to OT IX, or worse OT VIII! That’s why their orders are to keep moving and keep feeding on wogs.”

“At last and finally, OT X solves the problems of both Scientology-hating wogs and wog overpopulation.”

“This first group of OT X’s is being turned loose to terminatedly handle the SP problem,” said Captain Delusion. “In a few weeks there will no longer be any SP’s posting online anywhere — and when these OT X’s are through with the SP’s they will turn their attention to the Psychs.”

“Soon we will have thousands of OT X’s out there clearing the planet,” enthused Captain Delusion. “By this time next year only a few remaining wogs will remain in museums.”

When Thetans Drove Chrysler’s

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“1962. Except for a few Commies who had been sent in to cause trouble, everything was A-OK with Scientology.

“Back then we all smoked Kools and drove great big ol’ Chrysler’s just like Ron.

“This was the same year the so-called ‘UFO’ flew low down Main Street in broad daylight right there in front of the Kansas Org. We all knew it was a Marcab attempt to implant Kansans and bias them against Scientology.

“This, in my opinion, is when everything changed because, shortly thereafter, the FDA raided the Church.

“We in the Church of Scientology got a bad rap only because that Marcab beam ship did its deadly best and implanted the entire state of Kansas. The contagion spread and things kept getting worse.

“Now it’s probably about to get a whole lot worse.”

The Internet is a Dangerous Space Alien Attack Upon the Church of Scientology

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“If you are reading these words on the internet then marauding space aliens have already trapped you in their diabolical and vast galactic electronic implant,” declared Church of Scientology internet researcher Dr. Frank Wonderman.

“I refer of course to the internet.”

UFO festival in Roswell, New Mexico“The internet is a gigantic alien trap and it is sucking virtually the entire human race into it’s insatiable vortex of pornography, drugs, witchcraft, gayness, terrorism, and 419 frauds,” Wonderman declared.

“But what makes the internet especially savage and vicious are all of the alien lies on it about the Church of Scientology and its leader David Miscavige.”

scientology2“These lies exist because the aliens don’t want humans to go to their nearest Ideal Org where they can, among other things, get FES’d on any previous squirrel auditing that was not GAT II, which is to say any auditing done in the Church of Scientol0gy prior to December 1, 2013.”

“Moreover,” Wonderman announced to the largely empty auditorium in a nondescript town somewhere in the Midwest, “the aliens have a big button on self-importance and so… and so they don’t want humans going to Flag Land Base where SUPER POWER awaits.”

The unemployed Scientologists who had come into the auditorium seeking relief from the unbelievably freezing weather outside nodded in silent mental assent, this while the ushers passed out packets containing free government cheese and Sea Org contracts.

Wonderman, an OTVIII and the Executive Director of the OSA Internet Investigations Unit Midwest (ED OSAIIUM), let his words sink in with the audience.

No.InternetAfter an uncomfortable amount of time had passed, Wonderman declared, “And so that is why we in the Church of Scientology don’t read the internet. The internet, you see, is a very dangerous space alien implanting tool.”

“The internet is in fact so dangerous that Scientologists Ken and Carla Moxon fight the aliens responsible for the internet each evening from their backyard and so should you, weather permitting. For this reason, I have invited Carla back here today to this stage to speak to you once again on the vital topic of combating the menace of marauding space aliens.”