Psychiatrist Caught Trying to Smuggle New Top Secret E-Meter Out of Scientology Org!

“When word got around that Scientology had a new top-secret e-meter that could instantly cure-all forms of psychological distress and thereby eliminate the need for Psych drugs, Big Pharma was terrified! Big Pharma knew that Scientology was poised to put Big Pharma and its army of Psychiatrists out of business!”

“Accordingly,” said Scientology Chief Inspector Bobby Ray Bigly, “Big Pharma sent in an undercover agent into our Toledo Ideal Org to steal one of the new Quantum Mark XV meters.”

“The Psych literally shoved the new meter up his backside in order to conceal it. However, OSA Security caught him as he was painfully waddling out of the Org. An x-ray showed the meter lodged in his rectum. The Psych tried to flee but obviously didn’t get very far.”

“The suspect was arrested without incident and has been charged with the attempted theft of a patented religious artifact. The e-meter had to be removed surgically; it was not a pretty sight.”

6 replies »

  1. OMFG!!!! I thought that engrams were the only thing that could restimulate somatics, but the Mental Image Picture that I mocked up after reading this shocking report has caused me some real butt hurt.

    It could have been worse though. If this psych crim were to have tried to escape with a full compliment of GAT II Standard soup cans (especially the large ones) and GAT II meter leads and charger, this nasty incident could have gotten very ugly very quickly. Thankfully our ever vigilant OSA staff are fully trained to extract all manner of things from disgusting receptacles like garbage cans and rectums. I don’t know what we would do without them. I’m sure that once this new, extra sensitive, super secret GAT II E-Meter is cleaned up and gets a new Silver Cert that it can go back on the shelf at the Toledo Ideal Org book store and make some auditor very happy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jeez, Ms. B!
      Youz one crazy broad, what wit all dis sqwakin’ ‘bout “GAT” dis and “GAT” dat! Den dere’s all dat noise about rectums an’ OSAs an shit! WTF’s a “Silver Cert”?! Youz runnin’ a scam on Wall Street nowz o’ what?

      Fat Tony’s havin’ tecund tauts ‘bout youz runnin’ da’ 900 service, but wantz to knowz who yuz gettin’ your shit from, as it must be killer… You look to be one loopy dame I tells ya!

      We needs to have a little sit down wit youz about a little pharmatalogical revenue sharing, and cuttin’ in Freddie “I hates whitey” Jones up dere in Harlem.


      • Jeez CO$ MD, I sure hope you will put a good word in for me with Fat Tony. See I was countin’ on gettin’ that 1-900 job to supplement my Bridge progress and move up in Status with the IAS. Patron Rubatorious is within my grasp. Just tell Fat Tony that that Jenna Elfman babe has nothin’ on me. I think he’ll know what I’m talkin’ about. I know how to get the “job” done if ya get my drift. And as far as killer shit goes, if I get the job, the only thing smokin’ will be the phone lines as customers are calling in in droves. Just like the raw meat flooding the Church of Scientology Ideal Orgs in droves. I’ll give new meaning to straight up and vertical! Just have a word with Fat Tony for me and you boiz won’t regret it.


    • Youz lucky Jilly and Rocco likes ur style, Ms. B, so dere gonna have a word wit Fat Tony… Maybe youz can use suma dat Scientomological stuff to pump da’ numberz on da’ 900 line. Den youz can takes a shot at makin’ ol’ Fat Tony “straight up and vertical” if youz get my drift… Youz be good now Ms. B!


  2. Dat’s nuttin. Jilly’s broad Tina, useda smuggle stereos n’ shit fuh him dat way back in da day.

    In fact, rumor has it dat she brought in a Sony amplifier, turn-table and two speakers in her whatzit when dey came back from vacation in Japan a few years back.

    Sadly, she croaked on da following trip, as Jilly had her try for a Datsun 240Z.

    Liked by 1 person

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