Tag Archives: Big Pharma

Psychiatrist Caught Trying to Smuggle New Top Secret E-Meter Out of Scientology Org!


“When word got around that Scientology had a new top-secret e-meter that could instantly cure-all forms of psychological distress and thereby eliminate the need for Psych drugs, Big Pharma was terrified! Big Pharma knew that Scientology was poised to put Big Pharma and its army of Psychiatrists out of business!”

“Accordingly,” said Scientology Chief Inspector Bobby Ray Bigly, “Big Pharma sent in an undercover agent into our Toledo Ideal Org to steal one of the new Quantum Mark XV meters.”

“The Psych literally shoved the new meter up his backside in order to conceal it. However, OSA Security caught him as he was painfully waddling out of the Org. An x-ray showed the meter lodged in his rectum. The Psych tried to flee but obviously didn’t get very far.”

“The suspect was arrested without incident and has been charged with the attempted theft of a patented religious artifact. The e-meter had to be removed surgically; it was not a pretty sight.”

Scientology’s New Year’s Resolutions

The 100% Fully Ethical and On Source Scientologist applies KSW to his or her life and ruthlessly stamps out all sources of suppression. Are you doing your part to help Clear the Planet?

We in the Church of Scientology firmly resolve to be a fully Ideal Church in every way in 2018. We therefore make the following resolutions:

1. We will raise all prices 4000%

2. We will savagely destroy the internet and all other sources of entheta.

3. We will spy on more SP’s than ever before. We are spying on you right now.

4. We will tap the phones and hack the e-mail accounts of all SP’s.

5. We will mail COB’s Ecclesiastical Dildos to everyone we hate.

6. We will make insane videos attacking the Psychs, SMERSH, the CIA, Interpol, the Marcabs, Big Pharma, the Martians, and everyone else who is trying to stop Scientology.

7. We will erect a 1000 foot tall statue of COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige in Hollywood. This will be the tallest statue in the world.

8. Scientology Media Productions will broadcast something in 2018. We’re not sure what or where, but SMP will broadcast something. It will be much better than Leah Remini’s Emmy-winning show Scientology and the Aftermath.

9. We in RTC will immediately hand an SP Declare to any Scientology celebrity who brings Scientology into disrepute. We will no longer coddle these horrific monsters.

10. We will stop the godless Russian Communists from raiding our Orgs every other week. What the Russians call “financial crimes and fraud” we call the 100% correct application of  Scientology:

 

Scientology is not a Cult!

Scientology is not a Cult! Lots of groups dress in matching uniforms and fan out on Segways to distribute literature about the Psychs and their use of drugs to keep the Fourth Dynamic Engram in place.

Church of Scientology: We Have Been the Victims of Fake News for Decades!

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Chairman of the Board, Religious Technology Center,  Mr. Dennis Miscavige

“We in the Church of Scientology have been the victims of fake news for decades!” proclaimed Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “These fake news stories about Scientology have been spread by the unholy trinity of Psychiatry, Big Pharma, and the CIA,” Delusion averred.

“Fake news stories about Scientology are constantly planted in the media. These fake new stories accuse Scientology of being a criminal syndicate that employs brainwashing, hypnotism, coercion, isolation, threats, flattery, and even blackmail in order to engage in an alleged systematic wealth extraction scheme that preys upon and exploits emotionally vulnerable people — and particularly celebrities.”

“This is not true,” Delusion affirmed.

“What is true is what’s true for you,” Delusion emphasized. “And what’s true for Scientologists is that Scientology is all about creating a planet without war, crime, or insanity.”

“And if, in order to reach this lofty goal, we in Scientology must engage in war, crime, and insanity why then we are just fighting with fire!”