The death-like quietude of Downtown Clearwater was shattered yesterday afternoon when a Wholetrack SP Psych Implanter was spotted seated on a park bench in a community park owned by we in the Church of Scientology!

This posed an immediate dire and deadly threat to all Scientology organizations and Scientologists globally! All of the resources of the Federal, State, and Local law enforcement — and the National Guard and FEMA — were ordered by OSA to be directed to handle this situation now now now! The United Nations was ordered to get involved!

The 2001 restraining order on this SP was in the red volume and was, as always, on standby. The Clearwater police were summoned. There was great enturbulation inside all Scientology organizations globally. Emergency telexes were sent to COB RTC, CMO INT, WDC INT, OSA INT, CO FLB, and even the ship was notified just in case. The Class V Orgs and Missions were not notified as one never rewards a downstat.

As the air raid sirens sounded across Flag Land Base, all public Scientologists at Flag were ordered off course. All Sea Org were ordered off post. All Scientologists were evacuated into the giant basement of the Flag Building. As Scientologists donned their full body condoms and respirators, the five meter thick steel blast doors of the basement were slammed shut thereby safely entombing them. The emergency generators were started.

Surely Mark Bunker’s appearance in our park signaled the imminent Marcab Mass Landing! Given this very real threat of marauding Marcabs, Sara Heller of OSA couldn’t possibly step outside into the daylight to confront and shatter suppression. The situation was far too dangerous.

The threat eventually passed and the death-like quietude of Downtown Clearwater that we in Scientology have worked for decades to cultivate was eventually restored.

Should an event of this extraordinary threat and danger recur, Flag Land Base will once again sound the air raid sirens! We would rather have Scientologists incapable than dead.

5 replies »

  1. The Scientology Comm couse promises to teach you to handle any situation. Instead of handling things, here we see scientologists run and hide. COB = COWARD of the Board!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Scientologists did not “run and hide” as you claim. What happened was a crazed, panicked, and disorganized evacuation into the bowels of Flag. A post-assessment of the situation shows that only 24 public Scientologists were killed in the stampede into the basement. These are acceptable losses to Scientology as publics are theetie wheetie. The deceased are hereby ordered to go pick up new bodies and get back onto course.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. With all these super powered big beings, who can do incredible things like change the traffic lights to green with only their minds, and can sense the saline content of the cells in their bodies, Why can’t they just chant or wish all the SP’s and critics away? Or turn us all into goats or goldfish?
    Now that would really be clearing the planet for mankind.
    And far more fun than remotely telling someone the colour of their patio furniture.
    Hmm. It’s almost like super powers are made-up bullshit or something.


  3. A simple “box of chocolates” from Power SP Mark Bunker could of defused the whole situation in a flash, but where does one get theata cacao in Clearwater?


  4. Big Tony here, and let me tells you da real story… Me anda boiz gots a deal wit da midget that sez we can use dis nice little spot to dispose of ours problems see?

    I dunno what’s wit all dem alarms and shit, but as long as don’t interrupt “Fingers,” Vinnie, or Crazy Pete at three in da’ morning when deys working, I gots no problem. In fact, on Saturday, “Fingers” made surez Rico “Beans” Marscaoa had an “early” bedtime dere…

    Now if da midget keeps yammerin’ about dis lil’ spot, I gots a problem.


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