Scientology TV Giving Away $25 Starbucks Gift Cards

We in the Church of Scientology are so sure you’ll like Scientology TV that we’re giving a $25.00 Starbucks gift card to anyone who comes into any of our Orgs and watches a 12.5 hour intensive. No strings attached. Just come on in and watch one intensive of Scientology TV and get your free Starbucks gift card. And contrary to what you might have read on the internet, no one in Scientology will try to “brainwash” you, hold you captive, or act to swindle you out of your life savings based upon wild promises of Super Powers or OT powers.

4 responses to “Scientology TV Giving Away $25 Starbucks Gift Cards

  1. COB wants your money!! ALL of it!! NOW!!

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  2. As anyone knows, when you walk into a Starbucks you see behind the immaculately clean glass display case some beyond perfect looking pastries and baked goods for sale at outrageous prices. This fits our Scientology Ideal Org model to a tee. When some raw meat WOG walks into an Ideal Org they see packaged perfection in the form of The Bridge to Total Freedom being offered at hugely discounted prices. After all, The Founder hisself has stated that Scientology’s Advanced Courses are beyond price. And, if you’re like me, you like your coffee black and black coffee and Scientology leave a bitter taste in your mouth.

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  3. Do we smell a bit of desperation? Perhaps it’s perspiration, but there’s definitely a foul odor emanating from these out exchange attempts to drum up foot traffic. First, we offer coffee makers. When that doesn’t work, likely due to the obvious fact most members probably can’t afford coffee, we turn to offering gift cards. We are most disappointed.

    Gift cards!!?? The very idea of offering anything beyond the life changing experience that is Scientology no doubt has the founder observing complacently from Target Two believing he either needs a booster shot of vistaril or to walk into Flag and boldly announce his reincarnated presence. On the other hand, one supposes this is no longer your grandfather’s COS. Back in the good old days, the founder could invent crackpot fanciful ideas out of nothingness and package it in a manner that had folks pulling out their wallets and forking over fistfuls of cash.

    Of course that was before the interwebs pulled aside the curtain to reveal the psychotic meanderings of the founder for what they truly are. COB needs to get back to what he does best…bullying, intimidating, repackaging old ideas, and most importantly cracking heads and demanding results.

    Gift cards sound almost as if they were imagined by a clever satirist.

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  4. Ermagerd, a “twelve and a half hour intensive” to get a $25 gift card?
    I guarantee you’ll NEED coffee by the end of that twelve.5 hours!

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