Scientology, Hamburgers, and Sea Org member Johnny Fontaine


Dwayne Dooley, a local non-Scientologist who lived in the Flamingo Apartments in Silver Lake, sat eating his spicy Cajun burger and french fries at the Ideal Pacifica cafe.

Sea Org member Johnny Fontaine, who badly needed a stat, was chatting up Dwayne about the many virtues of Scientology. Johnny had already found Dwayne’s ruin and that was women. Dwayne was a loser with women. They didn’t like his beer belly, yellow teeth, grimy hair, fast food logo tattoos, chronic flatulence, his overall lack of personal hygiene, the fact that he lied about almost everything, and of course his long arrest record for petty crimes — mostly public intoxication.

Johnny Fontaine promised Dwayne that Scientology could help.

Scientology already liked Dwayne because, as Johnny Fontaine had learned, Dwayne owned the Flamingo Apartments he had inherited from his uncle Dick Dooley who had died the previous year in a freak accident at Del Taco. The story had made the local news. Dwayne Dooley had also inherited Dooley Financial, the Southland’s leading loan sharking high interest payday loan company. Dwayne Dooley, worthless as he was, was worth millions of dollars.

Johnny Fontaine, who had joined the Sea Org after he ran out of money at the Celebrity Centre for auditing and courses that would help him become a famous and wealthy actor like Tom Cruise, was already counting his 10% FSM commission on the $150,000 Clear package Dwayne Dooley said he wanted to buy. That $15,000 commission would allow Johnny Fontaine to purchase a used Moped, a new toothbrush, new socks and underwear, a year’s supply of Top Ramen, and the other things Sea Org members need and want. Indeed, Johnny Fontaine would even be able to afford a sturdy brand name toothbrush. He would be free from the flimsy and cheap toothbrushes he purchased at the .99 cent store on Vermont.

Suddenly, over one hundred black SUV’s filled L. Ron Hubbard Way and hundreds of FBI agents poured out of them. Armed with search warrants, the FBI agents entered all of the Orgs in a surprise daylight raid. “What the hell is going on?” Dwayne Dooley asked Johnny Fontaine.

“It’s just another FBI raid,” Johnny Fontaine calmly assured Dwayne Dooley. “The FBI is after us because we have the secrets of the universe they don’t want you to know about. For example, the British nobility are actually reptilian shapeshifters whose goal is to enslave the world using Psych drugs, diet pills, and rose-scented perfumes in beauty products and clothing.”

Johnny Fontaine knew this was verbal tech he had read in David Icke books, but it was true for him and he had 70% complete certainty that this was probably what the OT levels were really all about. After all, so many of the older chain smoking OT’s in AOLA were haggard and wrinkled and had lizard skin. He knew they had to be part of the conspiracy of reptilian shapeshifters who had infiltrated Scientology to ruin the real states of Clear and OT.

Johnny Fontaine knew when he became an OT he would blow the lid off this conspiracy and COB would make him the CO of OSA. That was Johnny Fontaine’s dream: To save the Church of Scientology from the reptilian shapeshifters and become best friends with his idols Tom Cruise and COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige.

Lost in his reverie, Johnny Fontaine failed to notice that Dwayne Dooley had fled, leaving behind his half-eaten spicy Cajun burger and french fries. Knowing this would be his last good meal for many years before being RPF’d for blowing a $150,000 reg cycle he wolfed down the food. Johnny Fontaine scanned LRH Way in hopes of finding a way to blow but there were just too many FBI agents and Scientology bicycle security nazis.

After the 54th call that day from Scientology ordering him to return to the Org that evening and complete the reg cycle because the FBI would be done with the raid by then, Dwayne Dooley changed his phone number and hid out from Sea Org regges for several months in the Palms Apartments in Atwood, another property he had inherited from his uncle Dick Dooley.

2 replies »

  1. When dining at the Ideal Pacifica Cafe, we suggest sticking with the COB salad…prepared fresh by master chef Dan Sherman, the COB salad is a veritable treasure chest of delectable morsels, where presentation is unlike any other salad you’ve ever been served. As an added bonus, the nutritional disclosure reveals it is completely free of calories and nutrition, meaning we can fill up on COB salad as often as we want, then rise from the table still craving more. There’s nothing that leaves us more sessionable and ready to pick up the cans.

    COB salad…it’s just not for OT’s, but it’s only available at the Ideal Pacifica.

    Liked by 2 people

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