“Long on the payroll of the CIA and Big Pharma, the criminal psychopath and major SP Piers Morgan savagely –and the at orders of the ‘big boss‘ in SMERSH — attacked we in the Church of Scientology!” complained Church spokesman Ken Delusion.
“Emboldened by his fellow SP John Sweeney who wrote a horrible book about Scientology, Piers Morgan called us ‘gutless cowards’ and ‘sinister little weirdos’ and challenged us to sue him! The nerve of this SP piece of trash!”
“Just because we in Scientology spy on people; brainwash our members; tap phones; hack computers; destroy people by Fair Game; break up families; bankrupt our members; are hellbent on ruling the world; and believe that everyone on Earth is infected with millions of body thetans does not make us ‘sinister little weirdos.’ If anything, our violent and irrational conduct, phantasmagorical belief system, and great tax-free wealth all serve to prove that Scientology is, in fact, a genuine religion.”
“We in Scientology have been slandered and emotionally damaged by Piers Morgan’s reckless, hurtful, and bigoted words,” Delusion bitterly noted. “Our Dear Leader COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has definite plans to sue Piers Morgan, his network, and everyone in the UK for a few trillion dollars. But first COB has to release OT IX and OT X; stop the Russian Federal Police from raiding our Orgs every other week; open 22,118 new Ideal Orgs; and bribe some politicians and judges in Moscow. And of course, COB has to do all of this singlehandedly while still Clearing the Planet.”
“After COB finishes these many cycles, Scientology will sue the smug and arrogant Piers Morgan and wipe that cheeky grin right off his stupid wog face! In the meantime, we’ll have to settle for putting up some hate pages on Piers Morgan on our Scientology websites. We may even send one of our gumshoes around to dig through his garbage.”