Beset by liquidity issues related to a five-year stat crash downtrend, the Church of Scientology today announced the sale of subordinated debentures to the tune of $2.5 billion. The minimum buy-in is $1,000,000 so it’s a truly affordable debt.
“Look, Scientology’s cash flow problems are just a short term situation,” declared Scientology International Finance Dictator Mr. Don Brylcreem. “Scientology expects a massive twenty-two billion dollar cash infusion when COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige releases OT IX and OT X.”
“COB’s promise of booming Orgs in the near term makes buying Scientology debt at an unbelievable 11.75% interest rate one of those rare deals where you just can’t lose,” Brylcreem assured investors.
“Sure, the re-release of Battlefield Earth crashed faster than you can score an 8-ball at Narconon, but that was to be expected from those SP’s at Galaxy Press. Seriously, they haven’t gotten a product since 1982 when the first release of Battlefield Earth made the bestseller list — and this was only because Scientologists were forced to buy those 50,00o copies from wog bookstores.”
“But hey, this debt sale is a different product. This is the Church of Scientology and COB is talking OT IX and OT X. COB always gets his product and these new levels are set to release as soon as all Orgs are Ideal. This will happen very soon. We promise.”