CIA Director John O. Brennan today announced that the agency had discovered Scientology’s secret underground alien base at an undisclosed location.

“The Church of Scientology has been working with aliens since the 1950’s,” Director Brennan told the press. “These aliens need the DNA of Scientology OT’s in order to exist.”

“It seems,” the Director noted, “that even aliens have Reactive Minds and a NOT’s case. However, as aliens can’t metab on any known Earth e-meter, they can only get case gain by drinking pulped OT’s in a sort of smoothie drink.”

“In exchange for the OT’s provided by David Miscavige, the CIA has learned that the aliens give Mr. Miscavige gold bars from the mines they operate near the Mars Between Lives Implanting Station #811.”

“Not to be cynical, but we can now see why Mr. Miscavige — the man who leads a Church with 12,000,000 members — has been pushing ‘10,000 on Solo NOT’s’ for decades without this ever actually happening.”