“We in the Church of Scientology have opened up a hotline for declared SP’s to call if they feel harassed by anti-Scientologists,”  declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Even though we totally ruined these people’s lives by declaring them SP’s, we don’t want to see them get their feelings get hurt on the internet by anti-Scientologists. That is how much we care.”

“Even for declared SP’s who have been viciously Fair Gamed by OSA, disconnected from their families, spied on, and harassed, these anti-Scientologists can be far worse! The fact is that these anti-Scientologists comprise a very dangerous cult that slavishly follows wild-eyed wog ideas such as Free Speech, heated debate in which barbed epithets are hurled, logic, reason, evidence, speculation, and breaking news — all things we in the Church of Scientology despise and oppose!”

“These horrible anti-Scientology cultists cluster around their special little hateful natter boards where they worship the owners of the natter boards! It is even more sickening than fawning Scientologists yelling ‘Hip Hip Hooray!’ to an enormous photo our dead Founder or applauding for hours and hours our dearly beloved and cosmically significant leader COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige!”

“These anti-Scientologists behave far worse than OSA, RTC, and the GO rolled into one! Worse, these anti-Scientologist Jokers & Degraders are possessed of a lavish, excessive, flamboyant, and clownish sense of humor that is dipped in shoops and deep fried in japery! Scientology is a deadly serious and grim activity — we can’t have any laughs here folks!”