Church of Scientology Asks FBI to Clear It of All Criminal Charges


After the FBI cleared Hillary Clinton of a felony violation of “Section 793(f) of the federal penal code (Title 18): With lawful access to highly classified information she acted with gross negligence in removing and causing it to be removed it from its proper place of custody, and she transmitted it and caused it to be transmitted to others not authorized to have it, in patent violation of her trust,” the Church of Scientology has made a very generous cash donation to President Obama’s Presidential Library Fund to get the highly coveted “Hillary Fix.”

Said Church spokesman Ken Delusion, “Scientology fully expects to be cleared by the FBI of charges of child labor, human trafficking, financial fraud, kidnapping, slavery, R-1 Visa fraud, extortion, money laundering, assault and battery, conspiracy, and a few other RICO type felonies that Scientology did not intend to engage in but may have accidentally engaged in due to carelessness. ”

“Sure, Scientology may have made some mistakes,” admitted Delusion, “and we feel terrible about those mistakes. But what we want the public to know is that these mistakes were only made due to our haste to put in Scientology Ethics on the Planet in order to help Clear this sector of the galaxy.”

“In appreciation of Scientology’s heroic and monumental donation to President Obama’s Presidential Library Fund,” Delusion added, “President Obama awarded COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige the Presidential Medal of Freedom.”


8 replies »

  1. Something is VERY wrong with this scene. Fleet Admiral, COB RTC, Capt’n David Miscavige should be the one giving wog President Barack Obama the Freedom Metal instead of receiving a paltry smallish token from someone so far below him in worldwide importance. In fact, Capt’n Miscavige should not even have to be distracted from his very busy schedule of ecclesiastical duties to participate in these sorts of silly secular functions. Church of Scientology President Heber Jentzsch should be taking care of these middling matters, but apparently he has not been fulfilling his responsibilities and ONCE AGAIN Capt’n Miscavige has to step in and do someone else’s job for them.

    “Heber? HEBER? HEEEEEBERRRRRR???? Where the fuck is Heber? Has anyone seen Heber? Can any of you G/OSA goons find Heber for me?”

    Liked by 1 person

      • Well, everyone KNOWS that. But, the fact is, COB is surrounded by slacker, degraded, incompetent, staff who are borderline SPs. Since that is the case, and since COB is a Big Being, he often has to step in and handle things when they go south, start flapping, and hill 10-ing which is the constant state of affairs and condition of the Sea Org as it tries valiantly to slam ethics in in this sector of the guy-lax-ee. So, the fact is COB, even though he has nothing whatsoever to do with the day to day operations of anything to do with the Church of Scientology (or anything else for that matter) is always happy to put his diminutive shoulder to the wheel and do everybody’s work for them on a volunteer basis because they resemble un-hatted ass hats. If you don’t believe me, just ask him (use the SO#1 line).


    • Ms. B. Haven, sometimes COB has to humor wog politicos by pretending that their medals mean something. After COB got the Medal from wog President Obama, he threw it like a Frisbee into the aeration pond at Gold Base.


  2. reminds me of the time that Tom Cruise received an award for playing the part of a German Officer during WW 2 who had tried to kill Hitler….Why did T. Cruise get an award? For playing a part of someone who is long dead????


  3. The psychological warfare Scientology engages in should be a study for persons engaged in criminology for the protection of society.


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