“Thanks to the Battlefield Earth Telethon hosted by David Miscavige and Louis Farrakhan on Scientology Media Productions, billions of copies of Battlefield Earth were sold within the first hour of the relaunch of the 34 year old science fiction masterpiece,” declared Stayta Kleer, VP of Continuously Recycled Antiquated Products for Author Services Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of the Church of Spiritual Confusion.

“And as a result of the Scientology Sea Org one billion year contract being included in each copy of Battlefield Earth, over 1.2 million applications to join the Sea Org were received in the past 24 hours!” enthused Stayta Kleer.

“Battlefield Earth and the Sea Org: That’s winning in life!”