Jesus Leaves Christianity; Joins Scientology’s Sea Org

Before Scientology: A Judean Hippie    After Scientology: An Upstat Sea Org Member

Admitting that Christianity doesn’t work because it is based upon a Psych R6 implant, Jesus Christ today cut his hair, shaved off his beard, and joined Scientology’s Sea Org.

“Scientology is based upon science,” Jesus said, “whereas Christianity is based on an implant laid in 75,000,000 years ago by the master Psych implanter Xenu.”

“When I read Dianetics, I realized that Scientology is the world’s only real and true science. And then when I read the OT III course pack my mind was blown. I realized what’s really going on in the universe. I saw how I had been implanted to believe I was the Son of God. It was then I knew I had to sell my highly successful carpentry company and join the Sea Org.”

Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion announced that new Sea Org member Jesus Christ has been assigned to Scientology’s Public Relations department. “Jesus will do public speaking about Scientology on Zoom,” Delusion commented.

“Once Jesus proves himself on Zoom calls by increasing Scientology’s stats of new bodies in the shop, we’ll  move him to the big leagues of Scientology TV. This guy Jesus looks can really boom Scientology’s Orgs based on his work the past 2,000 years,” Delusion added. 

12 replies »

    • “Jesus is in the Sea Org,” said Ken Delusion. “In practical terms, this means he will never get his Bridge.”

      “Sure, we promised Jesus his Bridge for free when he signed his billion year contract,” said Delusion, “but that’s just something we say to everyone to convince them to join the Sea Org.”


    • While we may have outsourced this particular image without attribution, only some really incredibly old Armstrongite such as yourself would catch our petty weekend plunder. And we accept battle with you wretched pack of Anglo-Israelism-believing louts!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I understand Jesus is under direct orders from Capt. Miscavige not to perform any miracles with the beans and rice. The Captain is open to a water into Macallan miracle though.


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