Captain David Miscavige Orders the “OT Obesity Epidemic” Terminatedly Handled


“Captain David Miscavige has ordered the ‘OT Obesity Epidemic’ in the Church of Scientology terminatedly handled,'” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Accordingly, Captain Miscavige has appointed Captain Stayta Kleer as Obesity Dictator. Captain Kleer will handle the chronic overfeeding of OT’s by Flag and those on Solo NOT’s.”

“There’s really no excuse to pig out to be sessionable,” emphasized Delusion.

“Moreover, it’s truly disgusting to watch the way Flag OT’s push and shove each other to get to the head of the buffet line. They act like Flag is going to suddenly going to run out of Belgian waffles, cheesecake, prime rib, lasagna, seven-layer chocolate cake, or triple bacon cheeseburgers!”


“Flag’s think that ‘well-fed OT’s are sessionable OT’s’ is not found in any LRH reference. Rather, Flag has gone criminal and pushes tremendously overpriced, yet delicious, comforts food on OT’s in order to increase its crashing GI. This fattening up of OT’s to increase GI will stop now!” Delusion promised.


“COB has additionally ordered that all OT’s — regardless of age or health, will begin each day with ‘COB Calisthenics’ — a vigorous work out with three pound weights followed by a brisk walk of at least 1/2 mile while smoking cigarettes to keep the weight off.”

“Heavy cigarette smoking is so very important in maintaining weight,” Delusion said as he lit up his 45th cigarette of the day. “I smoke 3-4 packs of Marlboro’s everyday and drink 20-25 cups of  coffee as well and I feel just great,” Delusion exclaimed. “And why just look at this photo of COB weight training; he is the picture of fitness and good health!”

6 replies »

  1. Captain Miscavige is factually working out with kettle bells in this picture, and you can buy his workout video “KGB” or kettle girl bells.

    This photo was taken by the world famous photographer, Ivana Kamultoe. Few can capture the perfect lines and creases in the human anatomy like Kamultoe. When asked about her subject, Kamultoe replied “Captain Miscavige ‘walks the walk’ when it comes to physical fitness. I had the pleasure of photographing him when he was a young man as well. He used to look like a Greek God, and now he looks like a God Darn Greek.”

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Kirsti Alley, a famously super-sized OT has found the secret to success in battling the bulge and being cause over her rather large MEST body. She has decided to share her wins with all Scientologists (® © ™). From now on, only Kirsti approved meals will be served at Flag (® © ™) food dispensaries. The good news is that Kirsti will be increasing her GI (no, not gastro-intestinal dimensions) with vastly increased FSM commissions and will be able to increase her Status with the IAS. The bad news is the RPF(® © ™) practitioners doing penance to restore their beingness and standing with the Church of Scientology (® © ™) will have even less havingness available in the dumpsters that they are cleaning.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Ah, once again the LI Org picture surfaces. The “wasband” (OT8) is not picture. He has slimmed down, probably due to lack of funds to buy food. He is a very generous donor of course.


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