“Captain David Miscavige has ordered the ‘OT Obesity Epidemic’ in the Church of Scientology terminatedly handled,'” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Accordingly, Captain Miscavige has appointed Captain Stayta Kleer as Obesity Dictator. Captain Kleer will handle the chronic overfeeding of OT’s by Flag and those on Solo NOT’s.”
“There’s really no excuse to pig out to be sessionable,” emphasized Delusion.
“Moreover, it’s truly disgusting to watch the way Flag OT’s push and shove each other to get to the head of the buffet line. They act like Flag is going to suddenly going to run out of Belgian waffles, cheesecake, prime rib, lasagna, seven-layer chocolate cake, or triple bacon cheeseburgers!”
“Flag’s think that ‘well-fed OT’s are sessionable OT’s’ is not found in any LRH reference. Rather, Flag has gone criminal and pushes tremendously overpriced, yet delicious, comforts food on OT’s in order to increase its crashing GI. This fattening up of OT’s to increase GI will stop now!” Delusion promised.
“COB has additionally ordered that all OT’s — regardless of age or health, will begin each day with ‘COB Calisthenics’ — a vigorous work out with three pound weights followed by a brisk walk of at least 1/2 mile while smoking cigarettes to keep the weight off.”
“Heavy cigarette smoking is so very important in maintaining weight,” Delusion said as he lit up his 45th cigarette of the day. “I smoke 3-4 packs of Marlboro’s everyday and drink 20-25 cups of coffee as well and I feel just great,” Delusion exclaimed. “And why just look at this photo of COB weight training; he is the picture of fitness and good health!”