Breaking News: Church of Scientology Offers Time Warner One Billion Dollars for Going Clear

Going_Clear_PosterSpeaking from Narconon Ojai where Scientology leader David Miscavige is enjoying an extended holiday, Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion announced that the Church had offered Time Warner one billion dollars for all rights to Going Clear.

“The Time Warner Board of Directors has a duty to shareholders to accept this all-cash offer and hand Going Clear over to Scientology.”

“As part of Scientology’s all-cash offer, Time Warner must deliver up Alex Gibney and Lawrence Wright for lifetime imprisonment in our Ideal Org RPF Reeducation Camp in Pyongyang, North Korea.”

“Moreover, and by way of achieving the aims and goals of COB’s all-embracive planetary clearing strategy, we in the Church of Scientology just can’t have films such as Going Clear spreading unsupported allegations that COB RTC David Miscavige beats people or that Scientologists ‘take on a matrix of thought’ that is not their own.”

“It’s not that anyone takes on a ‘matrix of thought’ that is not their own. Rather, it’s that the Scientologist cognites that KSW is the shit, that it’s the real policy and he or she goes pffffft! And the Scientologist don’t mess around with that. For this reason, the Scientologist cancels reasonableness in his or her area.”

“To the non-Scientologist this ‘cancellation of reasonableness’ can, in fact, look like brainwashing and blind obedience to a cult when it is actually a very high spiritual state. Going Clear thus fails to understand what true spiritual enlightenment looks like and instead makes a big deal out of Constitutionally-protected and utterly necessary ecclesiastical brutality: We in Scientology simply can’t turn Miss Pattycake into a tiger without first violently slapping the trillions of years of accumulated wog nonsense and implants out of her skull.”

3 responses to “Breaking News: Church of Scientology Offers Time Warner One Billion Dollars for Going Clear

  1. I love how they start with such a low offer.

    Like

  2. $1 billion is really a small price to pay to get the yapping-dog, completely inaccurate, entheta, mocumentary Going Clear out-of-the-way of planetary clearing. In point of fact, and by way of putting this into the correct order of magnitude of perspectivness, $1 billion is NOTHING for the IAS to raise. This can be accomplished in a matter of minutes by getting each of the eleventy billion scientologists on this planet to cough up just 1 eleventy USD. (Of course Big Beings should cough up much more. That goes without saying.) IAS regges are standing by their telex machines at this very moment getting ready to fire off donation requests to the faithful who are forever tracked in Central Files of the countless Orgs of every nation, and continent and village and way station on earth.

    So, pfffft! you Alex Gibney and pfffft! you Larry Wright. The RPF (created ONLY for spiritual gain and rehabilation) is an incredibly generous offer by His Holiness Captain David Miscavige, COB, RTC. I suggest you avail yourself of this priceless opportunity or be forever damned to a miserable eternity of not being able to ‘pick up the cans’ and confess your multitude of disgusting crimes at your expense. I mean, who WOULDN’T want an opportunity like that?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Jack Warner IV has publicly turned down the offer. Mr. Warner did say for $500 million they would sell ‘Jupiter Rising,’ ‘Focus,’ ‘Run All Night,’ ‘Lost River,’ ‘The Water Diviner,’ ‘Entourage,’ Magic Mike XXL,’ ‘The Gallows,’ ‘Vacation.’ ‘The Man From UNCLE,’ ‘We Are Your Friends’ and an uncompleted three picture deal with Mel Gibson. Jack also complimented COB on his direction work with ‘Battlefield Earth.’

    Liked by 1 person

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