Scientology Pope David Miscavige today made a historic visit to Oildale, California where he was thronged by a crowd estimated in the dozens.
“The wogs in this humble hamlet of Oildale have never actually seen the Scientology Pontiff — nor have most of them ever even heard of Scientology,” said Papal spokesman Ken Delusion. “And so it is that Pope Miscavige is bringing the message of Scientology to primitive wog towns heretofore unreached with the message of Scientology.”
Pope Miscavige performed an ecclesiastical Scientology blessing of the Kiwanis Club snack bar while his aides passed out complementary copies of the Way to Happiness.
“Pope Miscavige’s next stop will be just down the road in Weedpatch. There, he he will speak to the Rotary Club on how Scientology technology developed in the 1950’s can help farmers grow super-fantastic tomato plants,” enthused Papal spokesman Delusion.
Categories: OTVIIIisGrrr8!
OTVIIIisGrrr8! 
Hey Pope, stay the fuck away from my hick towns, we like them just as they are.
Most of us carry guns too, ya dumb ass.
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Hicks, wogs, homo-saps, 1.1’s, degraded beings, — call them what you will but they’re all the same worthless “Teegeeack Trash” to Pope Miscavige.
However, some of these wogs in Central California where the Scientology Pontiff is visiting have century old, or decades old, water and oil rights that can be signed over for IAS trophies or even GAT II super deluxe reformulated “De-Dinging Tech” now with extra de-dinging power.
Moreover, these poor hardscrabble towns offer a vast potential new source of people who do not own computers, don’t know how to work computers, and have never seen the internet. That spells “perfect new Sea Org members” in any language.
Whereupon, to accomplish Pope Miscavige’s sweeping and urgent new vision for “A Cleared Central California” a new local Ideal Org is needed. Thus, an IAS donation has been made as the down payment on the new Ideal Org Weedpatch. The big FUNDRAISE begins now for Weedpatch.
An old fruit-packing house, this semi-dilapidated structure — and COB certainly favors these sorts of edifices — will require no more than $45,000,000 and ten or fifteen years to bring up to Ideal Org standards.
The future Ideal Org Weedpatch
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Don’t be a hater if you’re not an 08-er!
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It seems that every public restroom Pope/COB Miscavige visits is now missing all its toilet paper. This tour is nothing more than a Gold Base resupply run.
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“Oildale officials were shocked when presented with a bill for $3.5 million from the Religious Technology Center for costs associated with Pope Miscavige’s visit,” said town mayor Victor Hildago.
“Oildale never invited this so-called ‘Pope Miscavige’ to come and visit. Frankly, when Miscavige’s entourage pulled into town we thought they were circus clowns here for Oildale’s annual Chili and Corn Dog Carnival that was in progress over at the high school.”
“I threw the RTC bill into the trash. And by the way, Oildale resident Ivan Mapother noticed that every roll of toilet paper in all of the town’s public restrooms has disappeared. Looks like these Scientology carnies were in short supply.”
“What a strange bunch of people,” concluded Mayor Hildago.
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“There, he he will speak to the Rotary Club on how Scientology technology developed in the 1950’s can help farmers grow super-fantastic tomato plants”
Sounds remarkably like the “guidance tours” that Kim Jong-Il formerly, and Kim Jong-Eun currently, give to provide insight to the factory workers and executives of North Korea, where he imparts wisdom to them on how to do better that they were completely incapable of figuring out by themselves.
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The Founder was an expert with tomatoes and Pope Miscavige wanted to share Scientology’s tomato technology. And as you have correctly noted, we in Scientology are experts on everything. Just ask us. Whereupon, and more to the whys and wherefores, the unwashed wog masses so desperately need Scientology’s help that they daily clamor outside our Ideal Orgs begging for even basic advice on such things as how to brush their teeth.
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Hmmm…the psychs planted a story regaling how the founder’s frivolous attitude toward dental hygiene which led not only to a mouth full of rotten teeth, but more importantly a trip to the dentist’s chair where under the influence of nitrous oxide, the eternal secrets of the universe heretofore unbeknowst to anyone were mystically and nysteriously revealed to a man who liked to garden in a coat and tie.
This is obviously a lie, because everyone knows the importance placed by Scientology on good dental hygiene and avoiding all mind/mood altering drugs.
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Proper OT gardening should always be done in a coat, tie, and gloves. A pocket square is also mandatory. As far the Founder’s “Dental Gas Epiphany” wherein the secrets of Excalibur were revealed, the technical fact is that this triggered savage wholetrack dental ghastliness that manifested in the Founder’s teeth, such is the price of being oracular.
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