Scientology OT and billionaire Bob Duggan has the Midas touch.
Having just made $3.55 billion dollars selling his pharmaceutical company Pharmacyclics to a wog drug company, Duggan realized just how much money there is to be made in Big Pharma.
And this is where Duggan ingeniously used his magical OT powers to instantly solve several big problems for the Church of Scientology while making both himself and the Church a fortune.
Duggan knew his beloved Church of Scientology was in the middle of a PR and financial nightmare of epic proportions.
Duggan clearly understood that Church leader David “let him die” Miscavige was the ecclesiastical equivalent of a steaming over-filled colostomy bag.
Duggan realized that the Church of Scientology was less popular than even gonorrhea.
But what really troubled Bob Duggan was the Church’s cash burn on its slave labor force. Even if the Church’s 5000 Sea Org members were only paid $46 per week, that was still a hefty $230,000 per week plus the costs of rice and beans.
Duggan knew it was high time to cut the slave labor force by selling Sea Org members for medical experimentation, organ harvesting, and, well, for slave labor in African diamond mines and other dangerous places where worker protections aren’t needed.
Duggan’s new joint venture with Scientology was launched: Slaveacyclics. “$100,000 per head for a Sea Org member,” Duggan announced at a recent press conference. “Do whatever you want with these downstats.” And with those words, the RPF and weekly pay for Sea Org suddenly vanished as problems.
“Slaveacyclics also offers a ‘problem child relocation service,” Duggan added. “If you have problem kids, we’ll ship ’em off to a Scientology Ideal Org in Africa for a price plus a weekly maintenance fee. I personally piloted this program with COB and it works great.”
“Rounding out our product offering, Slaveacyclics offers a service to make people problems disappear permanently,” Duggan enthused. “For a fee we will have our special agent Mr. Usman Bello take people on ride down the Sagbama Expressway. No need to bother with all 419 details here. It’s Scientology at work, and, Scientology works when applied standardly,”Duggan winked.
This is the sort of inspired thinking that will ensure Scientology remains at the forefront of the most profitable religious corporations worldwide.
Maintaining a slave force of useless drones like the Sea Org needlessly consumes resources which could better spent building up the company’s balance sheet.
Any necessary tasks that the Sea Org workers perform (if there are any) should be out-sourced to countries where excessive wage rates like the absurdly extravagant $46 a week are unheard of.
I applaud Mr Duggan’s humanitarian vision for the profitable future of the most important religion in the last 75,000,000 years.
Andrew, you so incredibly duplicate Scientology’s “Big Picture Money Think” that COB wants you to come aboard as our new Finance Dictator.
Paying a religious volunteer $46 a week is indeed an outrage.
But….but wouldn’t selling off all The Sea Org members require fresh meat to sign quadrillion year contracts, thus requiring a change in Dave Policy so that now Sea Org members must start shagging non stop and produce new Sea Org members to be raised then sold off?
The V8, without getting too ahead of things here, let’s just say that once we sell off all Sea Org members then Scientology’s “Master Plan” to solve the problem of homelessness will be very profitable.
The Founder had no confront and so praised something as wog as slum clearance projects. COB is much more bottom line and favors a Soylent Green handling.
OMG, OTVIIIisGrrr8! I go away for awhile, and this is what I come back to?
What on earth could David be thinking? I told him to lay off the Botox and fake tans, he looks more and more like that walking animatronic atrocity Bob Duggan every day. David won’t listen to me anymore, though. He is convinced I am the reason Tom no longer takes his calls, just because I wrote a blog post suggesting Tom would benefit from going indie on both a personal and career level. Maybe he’s mad about it, but only because he realizes I’m right and refuses to ack that. I do hope you in RTC have confined David to quarters and enlisted a ranking SO medical officer to relieve him of duty. I mean, enough is enough! Those trappings of military discipline and accountability aren’t just for show, are they?
CV, whatever voodoo you do to COB reduces him to being a teenage girl, a petty little bitch some have said.
COB just read your post and, once again, ran inside his bedroom, locked his door, and hurled himself upon his heart shaped bed. Whereupon, he began kicking and screaming about how mean you are to him. In a matter of minutes COB will start… wait… he’s already started smashing everything in sight.
CV, glad to see ya’ back. No AWOL charges will be filed per COB.
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Will the church still be able to claim these downstat SO members who have been shipped off as dependents on their taxes? Oh wait, the church doesn’t pay taxes!!! HaHaHaHa!!!
A while back, there was a flier with a very attractive Sea Org member wearing her dress whites and a sword. Is she still available and do the uniforms cost extra? For my safety, you can keep the sword. By any chance, does the Sea Org also have school girl or French maid costumes available?
Are you sure that this is a parody? It sounds like something Duggan would do.
Organ harvesting — what a fantastic answer to the Church’s cash burn on its slave labor force. Just one snag though, most Sea Org members aren’t very healthy, what with all the 100 hour work weeks, constant bullying, sleep deprivation, and a steady diet of rice and beans. They might have to be fattened up a little before sale.