“Flag Land Base has gone criminal!” declared Senior International Ecclesiastical Sec Checker and Interim IJC Captain Davis Jackinov.
“Fleet Admiral Miscavige entrusted Flag to forward command intention with our new 21st century cathedral and what did he get in return?”
“A monumental Statcrash in the Cathedral!”
“This statcrash threatens the eternity of every man, woman, and child on this planet for the next one hundred trillion years!” Jackinov warned Scientologists.
“Fleet Admiral Miscavige has issued an Emergency Imperial RTC Encyclical stating that only an immediate and mandatory 47X increase in IAS statuses is sufficient to unenturbulate the enturbulated theta of this sector of the galaxy!”
“In happier news,” emphasized Captain Jackinov, “hamburger sales at the PAC Base canteen are booming!”
“PAC body routers are able to snare fully 65% of wogs who are lured to the base by the scent of hamburgers. Other bases have been ordered ordered to follow this successful action”
“Soon there will be Scientology fast food restaurants attached to all Ideal Orgs. Nothing else has worked, and so we in the Church of Scientology are not averse to using hamburger-trappping tech on wogs.”