Statcrash in the Cathedral

The Scientology Cathedral is of neoclassical  stucco and drywall construction ornamented by travertine. This edifice is not, as many tourists seem to believe, the corporate headquarters of Taco Bell.

The Scientology Cathedral features neoclassical stucco and drywall construction. This edifice is not, as many tourists seem to believe, the new Marriott.

“Flag Land Base has gone criminal!” declared Senior International Ecclesiastical Sec Checker and Interim IJC Captain Davis Jackinov.

“Fleet Admiral Miscavige entrusted Flag to forward command intention with our  new 21st century cathedral and what did he get in return?”

“A monumental Statcrash in the Cathedral!

 Senior International Ecclesiastical Sec Checker and Interim IJC Captain Davis Jackinov.

Senior International Ecclesiastical Sec Checker and Interim IJC Captain Davis Jackinov.

“This statcrash threatens the eternity of every man, woman, and child on this planet for the next one hundred trillion years!” Jackinov warned Scientologists.

“Fleet Admiral Miscavige has issued an Emergency Imperial RTC Encyclical stating that only an immediate and mandatory 47X increase in IAS statuses is sufficient to unenturbulate the enturbulated theta of this sector of the galaxy!”

“In happier news,” emphasized Captain Jackinov, “hamburger sales at the PAC Base canteen are booming!”

“PAC body routers are able to snare fully 65% of wogs who are lured to the base by the scent of hamburgers. Other bases have been ordered ordered to follow this successful action”

“Soon there will be Scientology fast food restaurants attached to all Ideal Orgs. Nothing else has worked, and so we in the Church of Scientology are not averse to using hamburger-trappping tech on wogs.”

6 replies »

  1. I’m turning myself in. I read some entheta when I was researching Scientology Books and came across a weird site that looked like it was from NASA. We need OSA to handle the crazy guy that said, “This leaves CST, RTC, and CSI as holding companies having no employees and staffed by volunteers from an unincorporated religious order known as the Sea Org. One legal theory is to sue the actual volunteers as individuals and/or get them arrested in a RICO context. I say RICO because aforesaid volunteers are engaged in a transnational conspiracy to financially defraud IAS members.”


  2. It has become apparent that the theta/entheta ratio is at a critical low on this planet. Just the other day, I went to a town meeeting and tried to explain that ABLE, Narconon, Criminon and, above all, an Ideal Org were the only things that could help mankind in this his darkest hour. Oh sure, they were polite, but as soon as I mentioned scientologh, I could hear the snickering and wispering of snide comments of the others. Our religion is not a joke and I am sick and tired people telling me that Captain Miscaviage looks like Alfred E. Newman (Mad Magazine) and that the blood of Jesus will wash away my body thetans!


  3. It’s time to bring out the ecclesiastical Dianetics tank battalion. No one leaves Clearwater until the stats are up, up, UP!!!


  4. Oh come now, the crash to which you are referring was simply a leg breaking in the oiliness table due to the over eager ministrations of an exhuberant whale (whose initials are most certainly not KA). She will be making an ecclesiastical donation to compensate for the damages once the oil slick gas been properly disposed of.

    THIS is why all parishioners are warned to stay away from the Internet. A small crash the magnitude of a 4.7x earthquake inside the cathedral was misinterpreted as a stat crash.

    No stats have crashed, nor will they ever. It is all straight up and vertical 24/7. Move along.

    Liked by 1 person

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