Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion told reporters today that “slovenly rogue elements” in the Church’s Office of Special Affairs were to blame for two pizza delivery agents being stiffed on the tip after delivering 180 pizzas.
“Senior officials were shocked and embarrassed and sent $300 to the restaurant,” Delusion informed the media.
“This was very embarrassing to the Church,” Delusion noted, “but then just about everything the Office of Special Affairs does is an embarrassment to Scientology — and this explains why Captain David Miscavige is always having to clean up their messes.”
“After delivering a well-deserved ecclesiastical beating the miscreants, Captain Miscavige shipped them off to Scientology Reeducation Camp #117 in Moldova. Upon their release in 2025 the Church can promise that this will never happen again,” Delusion reported.
When asked by a wog reporter about the culture of violence inside the Church of Scientology Sea Organization, spokesman Delusion replied, “Yelling and screaming and beatings are just the way we do things in the Sea Org. We are tough sons-of-bitches.”