Church of Scientology Explains Why It Stiffed Pizza Guys


Slovenly rogue elements in the Church of Scientology’s Office of Special Affairs were responsible for not tipping.

Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion told reporters today that “slovenly rogue elements” in the Church’s Office of Special Affairs were to blame for two pizza delivery agents being stiffed on the tip after delivering 180 pizzas.

“Senior officials were shocked and embarrassed and sent $300 to the restaurant,” Delusion informed the media.

“This was very embarrassing to the Church,” Delusion noted, “but then just about everything the Office of Special Affairs does is an embarrassment to Scientology — and this explains why Captain David Miscavige is always having to clean up their messes.”

“After delivering a well-deserved ecclesiastical beating the miscreants, Captain Miscavige shipped them off to Scientology Reeducation Camp #117 in Moldova. Upon their release in 2025 the Church can promise that this will never happen again,” Delusion reported.

When asked by a wog reporter about the culture of violence inside the Church of Scientology Sea Organization, spokesman Delusion replied, “Yelling and screaming and beatings are just the way we do things in the Sea Org.  We are tough sons-of-bitches.”

11 replies »

  1. It’s inexcusable for many reasons. 1. With your super powers, you could have delivered the pizzas yourselves rather than asking drivers to do so. 2. As the world’s fastest growing religion, you have plenty of money. 3. LRH never said anything about pizza.


  2. David Miscavige has never ordered a pizza in his entire life, so he can’t possibly be to blame for this fiasco. In fact, I’m not even sure he had heard of pizza before this incident.


  3. Tipping is out exchange!!!

    Wog delivery people are below Homo Novus, most likely homosexual and deserving of nothing more than a proper pat on the head and sent back to their psych keepers.

    The $300 PR recovery tip was still less than 15% (win!!!).We are NOT a share-the-cash-religion as much as we are NOT a turn-the-other-cheek-religion.

    All pizza leftovers were frozen and sent to Kirstie Alley’s underground freezing bunker for her next relapse.


  4. We are saving this sector of the guh-laxy and these guys are getting ticked off about a forgotten pizza delivery tip! Someone around here deserves an ecclesiastical beating and it’s not the Scientologists. And there is no culture of violence inside the Church of Scientology Sea Organization, there are just vigorous touch assists.


  5. I, JennyAtLAX, declare and state as follows:

    When we opened our $cientology Reeducation Camp #117 (“$RC 117″) in Moldova, in 2004, I wus there for a coupling of munths, under the direction of Mr. David Miscavige—in cummunication with him every day, to establish that Camp. Mr. Miscavige, Chairman of the Board (“COB”) of the Religious Trechnology Center (“RTr”‘) wus there at the opening and he couldn’t have been less interested.

    That Camp is sexquisite and working on that was one of the most stimulating and exciting projects I have ever dun. I got the staff set up in the new facilities including:
    * Risque Chalet Day (“RC Day”);
    * Red Hot Friskie Foundation (“RHF Fdn”);
    * Nawty Virgin International (“NV Int”);
    * Up Yurs United States (“UY US”);
    * Hog-Tied East U.S. (“HT EUS”);
    * Trinity Vibes West U.S. (“TV WUS”).

    I got them uniformed, trained and grooved in on the proper use of:
    * Bed restraints;
    * Paddles, blindfolds, collars and body harnesses;
    * Whips, ticklers and crops;
    * Gags, muzzles, clamps and cages;
    * Thigh cuffs and 3-hole hoods;
    * Bondage kits;
    * Lubrication and spermicide.

    I also wurked on promotion and reached out to the local cummunity and brought in new pubic. Mr. Miscavige wus bored, literally. All he would do while he wus there wus pretend to work on legal matters for a short time and then left. He did not want to have anything to do with servicing his pubic, caring for the staff, training them, nothing. Mr. Miscavige didn’t want to get involved. That gives a good sample of this man as a $cientology executive. He did not care about $cientology staff or the pubic.

    Since becuming a part of Cherch of $cientology International Management, I have been part of almost every conference, meeting or intercourse with International Management and Mr. Miscavige in that entire time and have spent one trillion six billion four million seven thousand two hundred and six hours with Mr. Miscavige. I know every inch of him. I have only experienced the utmost in patience, care, understanding and interest in executives and staff and seeing to our duplication of David Miscavige’s writings. Every meeting has been toward increasing our cumpetence, ability and purpose to bring about a New Era of Dark Ages (“NEDA”) on the planet with David Miscavige technology. Sum meetings have been short. Sum have lasted longer depending on the subject. In each case they addressed what David Miscavige said International Management and Golden $meara Productions (“$Mold”) are meant to acumplish. In the meetings we studied what David Miscavige said, cleared up any misunderstandings, handled any false information or ideas we may have acumulated and went straight back to what $ource (David Miscavige) said and how we will acumplish moving fewer and fewer people up the levels of $cientology and how we will destroy the Cherch. The meetings have included talking, studying, writing diagrams on the write-on boards and at times audiovisual presentations produced at $Mold.

    One of Mr. Miscavige’s first actions wus working on this facility. He took an authorized budget of $2.5 gazillion and signed a contract for much more with no authorization at all. He had no cumplete planning and did not report that he had dun this and did not even obtain clearance through our Cherch Legal Department on any contract, which is standard policy. He withheld his actions and sat on the bills for one trillion six billion four million seven thousand two hundred and six months so it wus unknown. Once the contractor started cumplaining he brought the bills to the Finance Department who were now obligated to pay.

    At this point, the Finance Office and other Int executives stepped in. Mr. Miscavige had been left unsupervised as I mentioned above du to appearing to be able to handle it. When he started getting inspected by Int executives, he confessed that what he did wus sign work orders and cummitted expenses without any authority or info to seniors. He stated that he operated independently knowing that such expenses would be turned down. He also confessed that he knew that he wus conning others into thinking that David Miscavige technology and L. Ron Hubbard technology are one and the same.

    I declare under penalty of purrjury that the foregoing is tru and correct.


    Click to access declaration06.pdf



  6. Well for once, the Church of Scientology has acted reasonably, and I am not just saying that as someone who used to deliver pizzas.


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