“As Iraq implodes, it is vital that hundreds of millions of copies of The Way to Happiness be rushed to this global hotspot immediately,” declared Dr. Eldon Weiner, Commanding Officer of Enforced Happiness for the Church of Scientology.
“Captain David Miscavige has personally backed this massive humanitarian relief effort by ordering his wife Shelly sent to Baghdad.” stated Dr. Weiner. “What other global ecclesiastical leader would so selflessly send his own wife halfway across the world to hand out copies of The Way to Happiness to folks who could use some happiness right about now? Well sir, lemme tell you that’s just the way Captain Miscavige operates!”
“Shelly was parachuted into Baghdad last night along with everyone in Int Base RPF,” Dr. Weiner noted. “They’re all religious volunteers who went into Baghdad to help.”
“Sure, most of them had to be forcibly thrown off the back deck of the chartered C-130, but that usually needs to be done on anyone’s first night jump.”
“Captain Miscavige expects his wife Shelly and her fellow Sea Org members to make it go right in Baghdad. They’re all experts on the mind and on communication.”
“Even if Shelly and her fellow RPF’ers don’t speak whatever Arab gibberish is spoken in Iraq, they’ll still be able to communicate the precepts contained in The Way to Happiness by pure intention,” Dr. Weiner observed. “Captain Miscavige remains in the RTC building at Int Base where he is monitoring events on the ground in Iraq. He has several flat screens turned to CNN, ABC, FOX News and so on.”
“The one night-vision selfie Guillaume Lesevre texted us before his cellphone went dead suggests that the crew landed safely in a field somewhere in Baghdad. They have water, protein bars, and $100 in American money. They’ll do just fine.”
“Captain Miscavige expects all Scientologists to support this heroic Sea Org mission of mercy to Iraq by making a monumental donation to the IAS in the next 10-15 minutes. If we don’t see the cash you can expect a knock on your door from the Sea Org for being CICS!”