“As Iraq implodes, it is vital that hundreds of millions of copies of The Way to Happiness be rushed to this global hotspot immediately,” declared Dr. Eldon Weiner, Commanding Officer of Enforced Happiness for the Church of Scientology.
“Captain David Miscavige has personally backed this massive humanitarian relief effort by ordering his wife Shelly sent to Baghdad.” stated Dr. Weiner. “What other global ecclesiastical leader would so selflessly send his own wife halfway across the world to hand out copies of The Way to Happiness to folks who could use some happiness right about now? Well sir, lemme tell you that’s just the way Captain Miscavige operates!”
“Shelly was parachuted into Baghdad last night along with everyone in Int Base RPF,” Dr. Weiner noted. “They’re all religious volunteers who went into Baghdad to help.”
“Sure, most of them had to be forcibly thrown off the back deck of the chartered C-130, but that usually needs to be done on anyone’s first night jump.”
“Captain Miscavige expects his wife Shelly and her fellow Sea Org members to make it go right in Baghdad. They’re all experts on the mind and on communication.”
“Even if Shelly and her fellow RPF’ers don’t speak whatever Arab gibberish is spoken in Iraq, they’ll still be able to communicate the precepts contained in The Way to Happiness by pure intention,” Dr. Weiner observed. “Captain Miscavige remains in the RTC building at Int Base where he is monitoring events on the ground in Iraq. He has several flat screens turned to CNN, ABC, FOX News and so on.”
“The one night-vision selfie Guillaume Lesevre texted us before his cellphone went dead suggests that the crew landed safely in a field somewhere in Baghdad. They have water, protein bars, and $100 in American money. They’ll do just fine.”
“Captain Miscavige expects all Scientologists to support this heroic Sea Org mission of mercy to Iraq by making a monumental donation to the IAS in the next 10-15 minutes. If we don’t see the cash you can expect a knock on your door from the Sea Org for being CICS!”
I´m so pleased to hear that our great leader is now making good use of his beloved wife Shelly, despite the fact that she left him little over seven years ago and has remained unseen ever since. This just goes to show COB´s magnanimity and loving and caring heart.
May God bless him!!!
Well done, I am very amused 🙂
One aspect needs to be corrected though. This plane was not a C-130!
Since 1968 Hubbardians only use DC-8s. Any other plane would be out-tech. And Xenu would be highly upset to hear that suppressive Shelly, Guillaume and Co. used any other plane.
Please report to Ethics and do False Data Stripping … ASAP!
I am sorry BFM, but DC-8’s don’t have doors in the right places, anyone jumping out would hit the vertical stabilizers. Outtech or not a c-130 is the best way to go. However jumping out of a perfectly good airplane is not the sanest thing one could do. Jumping into an entheta filled country like Iraq with only thin paper pamphlets for ballistic protection is not that smart either. Postulates do not affect bullet trajectories very much. I was nice of COB to send his one and only wife, I am sure she ride over and down filling up the table of organization and hatted all the targets, I mean missionaries.
Now that there is room in the RPF, who will be next? I nominate Kendrick Moxon, his reply to Vance Woodward’s refund lawsuit is so poor that he must be CICS.
Thank you thank you thank you for your humanitarian work, David Miscavige! And sacrificing your “wife” Shelley — that’s going above and beyond what L. Ron Hubbard would have done with his wife if, say, the FBI came kicking in doors looking to arrest someone. Well done all around, people!
LOL —- The islamo-fascists will use those Way to Happiness CDs to add traction in the sand for their vehicles as they continue their march from city to city…..
Yes, Muslims in Iraq will love a book based on the 10 Commandments.
What a brilliant plan from our short in stature but long on wisdom leader! I foresee the Tel Aviv Ideal Org being flooded with Iraqis clamoring to start on The Basics!!!
I do so hope that the World Cup does not suffer by the Volunteer Ministers attention being drawn in this direction. What will happen to all the people who are saving the World Cup from certain collapse if the missionaries are pulled away to this emergency Iraq saving mission? Oh right, less litter. Carry on.
I’m worried that Shelly might get Shelly’d… You know, by mortars or whatever. But I do trust that COB trusts her to find her way through Baghdad safely. She’ll find her own special way to happiness… where she’ll certainly be captured as a POW. Then again, she is well accustomed to being confined and guarded by thugs with assault rifles, so it can’t be that bad. I really don’t know why I worry so much… Godspeed, Shelly.
Don’t worry about Shelly. She has oaty powers.
I agree with Dr. Weiner 1000%!!!! We need to get hundreds of millions of copies of “The Way to Happiness” to Iraq immediately. This booklet is jam packed with powerful principles such as:
– Set a Good Example.
– Respect the Religious Beliefs of Others.
– Try Not to Do Things to Others that You Would Not Like Them to Do to You.
– Try to Treat Others As You Would Want Them to Treat You.
These effective, common sense precepts will stop those warring Shiite and Sunni factions dead in their tracks.