We in RTC have discovered, and rather belatedly so, that the following piece was written by a so-called “guest columnist” named J. Swift. We deeply resent this and have sent this person a Freeloader Bill for $5,000,000. How dare anyone use the RTC Blog without Issue Authority directly from COB RTC!
Like a pack of Scientology regges, Range Rover repeatedly keeps contacting me by e-mail:
Please provide feedback on your Range Rover Sport
Dear J. SWIFT
Land Rover is passionate about providing extraordinary vehicles that are the finest expression of luxury, technology and capability. Land Rover is also committed to producing vehicles which meet the very highest standards of quality & customer satisfaction.
To ensure that our engineers deliver on this and meet the expectations of Land Rover owners, we invite you to participate in our online quality survey regarding your Range Rover Sport. Your feedback will be received by our engineers directly.
The problem is that I do not own a Range Rover and never have.
Nevertheless, Range Rover is convinced that I own a Range Rover and am somehow obligated to complete their survey.
My thinking is that someone at Range Rover needs a stat. I have therefore relented to their demands and have written up my Range Rover success story and e-mailed it to them:
Earlier this year my Range Rover allowed me to effect a dramatic off-road escape from robbers in Mexico.
I drove over 100 miles through some of the worst terrain possible while being hotly pursued by lesser off-road vehicles — all of which broke down over the course of what turned into an extended running gun battle between myself and the desperadoes.
Although my Range Rover became riddled with bullets fired from the guns of savage criminals, this splendid vehicle remained intact and delivered incredible performance, certainly more than I had ever expected to use.
As the last robbers fell to my gunshots, I crossed a small-gauge mining railroad bridge to safety.
When I at last arrived at my villa, I counted 22 bullet holes. Nothing serious was hit. Sure, the window glass and upholstery had been shot apart but that is to be expected in a raging gun battle of this singular and epic intensity. Thankfully, I had a good 50+ clips preloaded and placed in a crate on the exquisite leather front passenger seat or I would surely have been killed by the bandits. I was impressed with the way in which the Range Rover’s power steering allowed me to steer over rugged terrain with one hand while shooting with my other hand.
I estimate that I fired at least 600 rounds and quite probably killed several of the criminals. I know for certain that I killed the thin pale bandit named Onofredo.
After sorting things out at my rancho, I shipped the vehicle back to the US and had it fully inspected and repaired. As it eventuated there were several mechanical parts that had taken fire and needed to be replaced but this was to be expected and did not come as a surprise to me.
Overall, I am very impressed with my Range Rover and would recommend it to my friends.