The Internet is a Dangerous Space Alien Attack Upon the Church of Scientology

UFO

“If you are reading these words on the internet then marauding space aliens have already trapped you in their diabolical and vast galactic electronic implant,” declared Church of Scientology internet researcher Dr. Frank Wonderman.

“I refer of course to the internet.”

UFO festival in Roswell, New Mexico“The internet is a gigantic alien trap and it is sucking virtually the entire human race into it’s insatiable vortex of pornography, drugs, witchcraft, gayness, terrorism, and 419 frauds,” Wonderman declared.

“But what makes the internet especially savage and vicious are all of the alien lies on it about the Church of Scientology and its leader David Miscavige.”

scientology2“These lies exist because the aliens don’t want humans to go to their nearest Ideal Org where they can, among other things, get FES’d on any previous squirrel auditing that was not GAT II, which is to say any auditing done in the Church of Scientol0gy prior to December 1, 2013.”

“Moreover,” Wonderman announced to the largely empty auditorium in a nondescript town somewhere in the Midwest, “the aliens have a big button on self-importance and so… and so they don’t want humans going to Flag Land Base where SUPER POWER awaits.”

The unemployed Scientologists who had come into the auditorium seeking relief from the unbelievably freezing weather outside nodded in silent mental assent, this while the ushers passed out packets containing free government cheese and Sea Org contracts.

Wonderman, an OTVIII and the Executive Director of the OSA Internet Investigations Unit Midwest (ED OSAIIUM), let his words sink in with the audience.

No.InternetAfter an uncomfortable amount of time had passed, Wonderman declared, “And so that is why we in the Church of Scientology don’t read the internet. The internet, you see, is a very dangerous space alien implanting tool.”

“The internet is in fact so dangerous that Scientologists Ken and Carla Moxon fight the aliens responsible for the internet each evening from their backyard and so should you, weather permitting. For this reason, I have invited Carla back here today to this stage to speak to you once again on the vital topic of combating the menace of marauding space aliens.”

9 responses to “The Internet is a Dangerous Space Alien Attack Upon the Church of Scientology

  1. Her level of derangement is very impressive.
    At least she wasn’t wearing a tin foil hat.

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  2. I’ve just always had the entheta thought, that you guys mocked up tony Ortega and Marty rathbun and all those nut ball critics. In order so that super inteligent beings could see through the B.S and thus be the ones routed into the chair and groomed for management. i mean the fact if one of even of those nut balls and there sheeple critic followers, dared to take an open truly open minded approach to the subject and were to complete some basic book one auditing and do objectives and have there case and confront level would improve markedly . The fact of Scientology is that it works. And that the internet is an evil implant station created to divide us.

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  3. ATTENTION CITIZENS OF EARTH!!
    This is Prince Xenu. It has come to my attention that the “Church” of $cientology’s internet researcher Dr. Frank Wonderman has uncovered our Internet Implant on the internet onto which it is implanted. Anyway, I am the leader of the the “space aliens” to which he speaks. In retaliation for this dastardly deed, the total annihilation on your beloved “Walmarts” will commence as planned. Soon you will realize what true suffering is when you are forced to say goodbye to the “guaranteed lowest prices” that you have so thoroughly enjoyed. Nothing can stop me now, not even your COB or Freedom Medal of Valor winner – Tom Cruise.
    Mwahahahaahhaha! Mwahahahaahhahahahahaahhaha!! (more evil laughing)

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  4. Incident one (4 quadrillion years ago) – A loud snap… and the beginning of the universe.

    Incident two (75 million years ago) – Captured thetans are dropped into unformed volcanic craters by space planes and blown to bits by H-bombs followed by R-6 implanting.

    Incident three – It can now be revealed that Incident three started in 1973 when the internet protocol “TCP/IP” was developed and later adopted as the world standard in 1983. (TCP/IP is the protocol which allows one computer to view and use files on another computer hundreds or thousands of miles away.)

    It is obvious the founder was well aware of the internet. His work after 1973 (Operation Snow White) was dedicated to rooting out and attempting to destroy the TCP/IP protocol. The founder was acutely aware of the clear and present danger it posed. He very nearly succeeded until he was forced into hiding after being DA’d by unknown SP’s.

    Although in hiding, he was able to continue his internet research until forced to drop his meat body in 1986 in order to pick up a new body and continue the research… which brings us to present time…and back to the beginning

    …Where now we can all bear witness to the resurgence of the CoS using an ancient literary device – the parable, made famous by great thinkers and famous story tellers such as Aesop, Confucius, and most recently – Carla Moxon.

    Stay tuned – the pharisees and their internet will be rooted out and exposed.

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  5. Say NO to the Internet!

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  6. Although Carla Moxon was the one who technically deflected the attack, all would have been lost if not for the brilliant leadership of 200 star Grand Supreme Pompah Fleet Admiral Miscavige. He is an even greater leader than the hero of Futurama, Zap Brannigan! If Fleet Admiral Miscavige were distracted by a petty disposition during the next alien attack, the Earth would be destroyed! Why can’t Judge Waldrip recognize this?

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  7. I agree with everything said here! C’mon everybody, LET”S SING!!!!!

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  8. Carla AND Rick helped to defeat the alien menace, turning the alien’s guns on themselves. Proper credit where credit is due.

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  9. Wow! A terrorist threat, acid trip out, out of body experience, encounter with aliens and sex positions all in 1 3:29 video!! I’m off to the nearest Ideal org!

    Like

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