“If you are reading these words on the internet then marauding space aliens have already trapped you in their diabolical and vast galactic electronic implant,” declared Church of Scientology internet researcher Dr. Frank Wonderman.
“I refer of course to the internet.”
“The internet is a gigantic alien trap and it is sucking virtually the entire human race into it’s insatiable vortex of pornography, drugs, witchcraft, gayness, terrorism, and 419 frauds,” Wonderman declared.
“But what makes the internet especially savage and vicious are all of the alien lies on it about the Church of Scientology and its leader David Miscavige.”
“These lies exist because the aliens don’t want humans to go to their nearest Ideal Org where they can, among other things, get FES’d on any previous squirrel auditing that was not GAT II, which is to say any auditing done in the Church of Scientol0gy prior to December 1, 2013.”
“Moreover,” Wonderman announced to the largely empty auditorium in a nondescript town somewhere in the Midwest, “the aliens have a big button on self-importance and so… and so they don’t want humans going to Flag Land Base where SUPER POWER awaits.”
The unemployed Scientologists who had come into the auditorium seeking relief from the unbelievably freezing weather outside nodded in silent mental assent, this while the ushers passed out packets containing free government cheese and Sea Org contracts.
Wonderman, an OTVIII and the Executive Director of the OSA Internet Investigations Unit Midwest (ED OSAIIUM), let his words sink in with the audience.
After an uncomfortable amount of time had passed, Wonderman declared, “And so that is why we in the Church of Scientology don’t read the internet. The internet, you see, is a very dangerous space alien implanting tool.”
“The internet is in fact so dangerous that Scientologists Ken and Carla Moxon fight the aliens responsible for the internet each evening from their backyard and so should you, weather permitting. For this reason, I have invited Carla back here today to this stage to speak to you once again on the vital topic of combating the menace of marauding space aliens.”