“Binding arbitration is a Scientology ethics and justice action,” declared Admiral Ken Delusion, Director of the Planetary Justice League. “However, declared Suppressive Persons do not enjoy any of the protections of Scientology’s ethics or justice system. This is LRH doctrine.”
Therefore, Admiral Delusion explained, the infamous “religious binding arbitration” clause — recently exposed in open court as a legal horror show — has been erased. Why? Because SPs, having spat in the face of COB’s ecclesiastical justice, cannot demand arbitration at all. “This logic,” Delusion bellowed, “is a self-evident axiom of nuclear physics. SPs cannot be both radioactive and non-radioactive at the same time. Therefore, they can never sue Scientology anywhere, ever, in this universe or any other!”
Blame It on the FBI
According to OSA Legal’s research, the offending clause was the work of a wog attorney planted by the FBI in 1983. “This agent provocateur smuggled the arbitration clause into our contracts as part of the FBI’s long-running plot to destroy religious freedom,” Delusion noted gravely.
The New Contract
Fleet Admiral Miscavige has decreed that all Scientologists must immediately sign new Religious Services Agreements that contain no arbitration clause whatsoever. “Any Scientologist who fails to comply within ten business days,” Delusion warned, “will be declared an SP, shot out of the nearest volcano, and billed for the gasoline.”
The new Agreement also:
- Retroactively voids, annuls, and cancels every previously signed Religious Services Agreement.
- Releases CSI, RTC, and COB “for all of eternity from all liabilities, civil or criminal, on this or any other planet.”
- Requires arbitration of any existing court-ordered cases to take place in the Scientology Ideal Global Justice Center, Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia, conducted entirely in the Mongolian language.
- Obligates declared SPs to personally retrain their own translators and submit all legal documents on goat vellum.
Glorious Obedience
Delusion concluded triumphantly: “Already, loyal Scientologists are lining up at dawn outside their local Orgs to sign the new contracts. They are doing so gladly, joyfully surrendering their rights for all eternity in order to protect Scientology from the psychs, the wogs, and the courts of Teegeeack!”
“Binding arbitration is a Scientology ethics and justice action,” declared Admiral Ken Delusion, Director of the Planetary Justice League. “However, declared Suppressive Persons do not enjoy any of the protections of Scientology’s ethics or justice system. This is LRH doctrine.”
Therefore, Admiral Delusion explained, the infamous “religious binding arbitration” clause — recently exposed in open court as a legal horror show — has been erased. Why? Because SPs, having spat in the face of Ron’s ecclesiastical justice, cannot demand arbitration at all. “This logic,” Delusion bellowed, “is a self-evident axiom of nuclear physics. SPs cannot be both radioactive and non-radioactive at the same time. Therefore, they can never sue Scientology anywhere, ever, in this universe or any other!”
Blame It on the FBI
According to OSA Legal’s research, the offending clause was the work of a wog attorney planted by the FBI in 1983. “This agent provocateur smuggled the arbitration clause into our contracts as part of the FBI’s long-running plot to destroy religious freedom,” Delusion noted gravely.
The New Contract
Fleet Admiral Miscavige has decreed that all Scientologists must immediately sign new Religious Services Agreements that contain no arbitration clause whatsoever. “Any Scientologist who fails to comply within ten business days,” Delusion warned, “will be declared an SP, shot out of the nearest volcano, and billed for the rocket fuel.”
The new Agreement also:
- Retroactively voids, annuls, and cancels every previously signed Religious Services Agreement.
- The new Religious Services Agreement releases CSI, RTC, and COB — together with his heirs, assigns, household pets, astral projections, and mock-ups on the wholetrack — for all of eternity from all liabilities, civil or criminal, on this or any other planet, star, galaxy, supercluster of galaxies, black holes, quasars, meteors, comets, wormholes, dark matter, dark energy, string-theory branes, holographic projections, unknown or unidentifiable objects, and all other celestial formations in this and all other universes until the end of time plus ten billion years, with an option to renew.”
- In the event that Neitchezean Recursion occurs as described in Thus Spoke Zarathustra, then the new contract perpetually recurs and must be signed in each new recurrence of our universe. Alternately, this re-sign provision applies if the Hindu Maha-Kulpa occurs.
- Requires arbitration of any existing court-ordered cases to take place in the Scientology Ideal Global Justice Center, Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia, conducted entirely in the Mongolian language.
- Obligates declared SPs to personally retrain their own translators and submit all legal documents on goat vellum.
Glorious Obedience
Delusion concluded triumphantly: “Already, loyal Scientologists are lining up at dawn outside their local Orgs to sign the new contracts. They are doing so gladly, joyfully surrendering their rights for all eternity in order to protect Scientology from the psychs, the wogs, and the courts of Teegeeack!”
OTVIIIisGrrr8! 