Alien Abduction Incident Report. January 1, 2022. 0632 Hours. Clearwater, Florida.

As he walked the quiet early morning streets around Flag Land Base, Space Admiral David Miscavige was abducted by a marauding Marcab beam ship. The abduction was witnessed by many Scientologists.

These eyewitnesses all reported the same thing: The Marcab ship suddenly decloaked from invisibility and seized Scientology’s Pontiff. The alien craft then dematerialized back into invisibility.

“What we in the Church of Scientology wish to emphasize,” said Flag Captain Ken Delusion, “is that the abduction was real. It was not an imaginary or fake event.

“Nor was it attempt by Mr. Miscavige to surreptitiously flee US jurisdiction and thereby create an alibi for why 48 different lawyers have been unable to serve him with subpoenas in dozens of lawsuits in which he is named as defendant.”