Scientology Chairman David Miscavige Stands Ready to Take Over North Korea

With Kim Jong Un dead or nearly dead as reported, Scientology Chairman David Miscavige today announced that he is ready to take over North Korea.

“My decades of leading Scientologists into crushing poverty and abject misery while surrounding them with ornate and useless buildings, spying on them and interrogating them with my secret police, and indeed my own corrupt and wholly incompetent and incomprehensible leadership style — if one can even call it that — uniquely qualifies me to take over North Korea,” Chairman Miscavige emphatically proclaimed from the dais of the Great Hall of Exact Data in Clearwater, Florida.

“Moreover and whereupon,” Chairman Miscavige declared, “Kim Jong Un and I were very good friends. We often talked by phone late into the night about our common interests in prisons, espionage, torture, and how to take all of the money from everyone. I also hosted Kim Jong Un when he visited Pac Base in Los Angeles. We are super-brahs just like me and Tom Cruise!”

An added free bonus for our readers! A sneak peak at Chairman Miscavige’s  $250,000,000 documentary. 92 hours in length and filmed in Thetavision, this ecclesiastical extravaganza has an equally monumental title:

The Glorious Revolution of Scientology and its Conquest Over the Running Dog Imperialist Enemies of the Church of Scientology in Which Chairman David Miscavige Heroically Emerges as the World Savior.

A young Scientologist plays Chairman Miscavige and depicts his glorious and smashing series of victories over SP’s, Psychs, and 5G. Here we see a rousing and inspiring dramatic scene in which Chairman Miscavige rallies his loyal masses to defeat the Global Forces of Suppression that seek to enturbulate Scientology:



6 replies »

  1. With Chairman Miscavige in a unique position to take over for his Dear Friend Mr. Kim, all of Scientology will benefit and we will be that much closer to Planetary Clearing and freeing this sector of the guh-lax-ee from the forces of suppression.

    I can see it now… this third rate country can be easily converted to a Sea Organization Base of operations. With the addition of kimchee to their standard rice & beans diet all SO members will surely be able to achieve a metabolism test every time they get a Sec Check and therefore get more suppression off their lines quicker than ever before. A nice side benefit is the deady combination of beans and cabbage. That alone will tend to keep psyches and wogs away in droves.

    Also, Shelly will have a quieter place in which to conduct her selfless work for the Church.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ms. B. Haven: Great news for you from RTC! COB wants you to be the ED/INT of North Korea. Please pack up and get your vaccinations in order. You will be parachuted into Pyongyang in the next 72 hours. If we translated the message correctly, and we think we have, your Cessna will not be shot down by MIG 15’s, this assuming they can even fly.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. If only Kim had kept up with the meter all the way through to OT, he could have seen how he was mocking up obesity and blocked arteries well before he was 40. To Kim’s credit, nobody comes close to putting ethics in like Kim. He was just plain ruthless when it came to KSA. The founder could use a good OSA Chief on Target Two should Kim permanently exteriorize.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mr. Miscavige urged Kim to do the Purif and get himself up and onto the Bridge. However, in the strange Asian Korean language — which is very much like cat talk according to the Founder — “purification” translates as being violated in an unnatural way. While this is a precise description of Scientology that Westerners understand, it is this way in the East where the Boodhist monks croak like frogs in their damp temples. Or at least this is what Ron told us when he went there as a boy to study with llamas.

      Liked by 1 person

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