“My decades of leading Scientologists into crushing poverty and abject misery while surrounding them with ornate and useless buildings, spying on them and interrogating them with my secret police, and indeed my own corrupt and wholly incompetent and incomprehensible leadership style — if one can even call it that — uniquely qualifies me to take over North Korea,” Chairman Miscavige emphatically proclaimed from the dais of the Great Hall of Exact Data in Clearwater, Florida.
“Moreover and whereupon,” Chairman Miscavige declared, “Kim Jong Un and I were very good friends. We often talked by phone late into the night about our common interests in prisons, espionage, torture, and how to take all of the money from everyone. I also hosted Kim Jong Un when he visited Pac Base in Los Angeles. We are super-brahs just like me and Tom Cruise!”
An added free bonus for our readers! A sneak peak at Chairman Miscavige’s $250,000,000 documentary. 92 hours in length and filmed in Thetavision, this ecclesiastical extravaganza has an equally monumental title:
The Glorious Revolution of Scientology and its Conquest Over the Running Dog Imperialist Enemies of the Church of Scientology in Which Chairman David Miscavige Heroically Emerges as the World Savior.
A young Scientologist plays Chairman Miscavige and depicts his glorious and smashing series of victories over SP’s, Psychs, and 5G. Here we see a rousing and inspiring dramatic scene in which Chairman Miscavige rallies his loyal masses to defeat the Global Forces of Suppression that seek to enturbulate Scientology: