Tag Archives: North Korea

Scientology & North Korea: A Bright Future Ahead

Following their historic meetings for bilateral talks on slave labor, sleep deprivation, torture, beatings, malnutrition, extortion, blackmail, money laundering and other methods that are vital to totalitarian regimes, David Miscavige and Kim Jong Un agreed to an exchange that helps both parties. The North Korean leader agreed to supply 5,000 workers for Scientology’s Sea Org in exchange for basic foodstuffs including fifty million “Blinky Yingling” muffins and ten million metric tons of rice and beans.

“Kim Jung Un will be staying in Los Angeles for a few weeks to do his Purification Rundown at the Celebrity Centre. Following his Purif, the North Korean leader will begin basic Scientology courses,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

Kim Jong-un Attains State of Clear in Scientology!


North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has just reached the State of Clear at Scientology’s Pyongyang Ideal Org.

“I’m so happy to have finally reached the State Clear! I’ve eradicated my reactive mind forever!” enthused Kim Jong-un. “No more engrams, irrational computations, or sicknesses! I now have a perfect memory, a 190 IQ, and can read a 1,000 page book in ten minutes with full comprehension.”

“As the world’s first Cleared Communist, I can now rationally and sanely realize my goal of destroying America and all of the other running dog Imperialists in the West! Thank you COB RTC David Miscavige! You are a superman just like me!”

Scientology Leader David Miscavige Arrested in North Korea


In an attempt to punish America, North Korea arrested Scientology leader David Miscavige during his inspection tour of Scientology’s Ideal Org Pyongyang.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un said that America will now quickly collapse without the supremely wise guidance and leadership of the great humanitarian David Miscavige.

Asked for a comment by reporters, the US State Department replied, “North Korea apparently reads and believes Scientology’s websites to be true. This is quite comical.”

When pressed for a response to David Miscavige having been sentenced to 25 years of hard manual labor on a prison farm, a US State Department official commented that the weather in North Korea was actually rather pleasant this time of year.

North Korea Celebrates Humanitarian David Miscavige


North Korea declared today “Humanitarian David Miscavige Day.” An award ceremony was held at the Holiday Inn in Pyongyang. Goat meat, potatoes, powdered milk, rice, and healthful Russian vodka was served.

Humanitarian David Miscavige gave a six-hour speech on Scientology and human rights. This speech was politely greeted by spontaneous outbursts of applause.

An unnamed official from the North Korean Justice Ministry boldly denounced Humanitarian David Miscavige’s enemies as the tools of “Western Capitalist Pigs” and the “Hateful American Bankers.” Additional remonstrations were made against Psychiatry and the “Running Dog Lackeys of HBO.”

The North Korean generals  present expressed great admiration for the many medals of Humanitarian David Miscavige. They further complimented Mr. Miscavige on his lifelike appearance and mannerisms.

North Korean senior military officials arrive for the opening ceremony of the Cemetery of Fallen Fighters of the KPA in Pyongyang

The International Association of Scientologists reciprocated the generosity of North Korea by declaring North Korean Supreme Leaser Kim Jong-un to be the greatest, wisest, and most handsome world leader in 50,000 years of history. $2,560,000 in cash from the US IAS MT was also donated to North Korea along with an ample supply of wheelbarrows, tractors, and shoes.

Church of Scientology & North Korea Leaders Issue Joint Global Christmas Statement

Church of Scientology ecclesiastical leader David Miscavige and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un today issued a joint global Christmas statement calling for a greater acceptance and tolerance of totalitarian regimes.

“The only reason totalitarian regimes have a bad reputation,” said Mr. Miscavige, “is because the evil Psychiatric interests who own and control the media are out to get us.”

Leader Kim Jong Un nodded in agreement.

“And so in 2015, we in the Church of Scientology and our dear friends in North Korea demand to be treated with respect.”

“We demand an end to the endless  jokes, japes, investigations, exposes, and especially the constant sniggering,” said Miscavige. “Sure, I may be a demented Cult leader clawing to hang onto power, but the Church of Scientology is my business and people should stay the hell out of my business! Sometimes I just want to punch SP’s senseless and then smash them to pulp…”

As Mr. Miscavige was quickly led offstage by his North Korean hosts, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un echoed Mr. Miscavige’s call for a greater acceptance and tolerance of totalitarian regimes.

Mr. Kim Jong Un concluded by warning that if anyone in the world  dared to watch The Interview over the holiday season there would be a gangster response from North Korea that would make the Church of Scientology’s antics look puny, idiotic, and and insignificant by comparison