“The UN has hired Mr. David Miscavige to solve the world’s economic disaster,” said Scientology spokesperson Ken Delusion.

“Mr. Miscavige has outlined his seven point plan using LRH business technology to implement immediate solutions:

1. The entire world will go on a diet of rice and beans immediately.

2. The entire world must do Scientology’s Purification Rundown to rid their bodies of heavy metals, MRC-5, fluoride, etc. Medical Director Spott Groton will supervise this program to prevent the Illuminati from sabotaging it by use of 5G phased array attacks, Black NOTs psychic attacks, marauding Marcabs in robot bodies, and other devious means.

3. All spending must be stopped except for essentials such as Scientology’s Basics Libraries.

4. Toilet paper is rationed to four sheets per day per person.

5. All internet usage is outlawed. The only official source of information will come from Scientology TV.

6. All world leaders will take their orders from Mr. David Miscavige.

7. All joking and degrading about Scientology is outlawed. Violators will be beaten and imprisoned.

“Mr. Miscavige’s program will solve all of the problems if strictly followed,” emphasized Delusion.