I________________________________ hereby covenant and contract with the Church of Scientology International (the Church) to be a speaker at the Church’s Interfaith Event to be held at ___________________________ on the date of __________________.
In exchange for the valuable consideration of the enormous personal prestige and valuable reputational benefits that will accrue to me as a designated Scientology Interfaith speaker, I agree to the following terms and conditions:
A. Honorarium: I understand that my honorarium will be $25,000 per event if I am not well known outside of my denominational circle. However, if I am a published religious scholar in the field of New Religious Movements my pay will $50,000 per event, or more, depending upon how valiantly I defend Scientology. If I am a national leader working at a top university my honorarium will be $100,000 or more per event.
B. Acquisition of Purloined Letterhead: I agree to procure twelve (12) sheets of original letterhead paper from my organization and provide it to the Church. I further agree that the Church will have no knowledge of how I came to possess this letterhead. No questions will be asked.
C. Furnishing of Letterhead to Designated Terminals: I will furnish the aforementioned purloined letterhead paper to a designated representative (terminal) of the Church’s Office of Special Affairs (OSA). I will do this under the cover of darkness in a back alley. The location is to be selected by OSA. I will wait at a predesignated street corner for a phone call telling me where to deliver the letterhead in a sealed envelope hidden inside a locked briefcase. I will conceal my identity by wearing a hat and a fake mustache. If I have a mustache, I will wear a fake mustache over my real mustache.
D. The Use of My Name: I freely give my consent to OSA to write anything it wants and needs on my organization’s letterhead, to sign my name to it, and to place it in the Church’s websites and publications without limitation.
E. Silence in the Event of Being Exposed: I acknowledge that if my OSA-created letters are exposed in the media that I will remain silent and make no comments until I have been counseled by wog lawyers representing the Church.
F. Forgery Denial/Assertion of Religious Bigotry: All parties to this contract agree that “forgery” is an ugly word and will never be used. I agree that any narrative OSA creates using my name on my institution’s letterhead, no matter how seemingly wild, lunatic, paranoid, or baseless said narrative is perceived to be, will never be deemed a forgery. Rather, all criticisms of an OSA-created narrative to which my name has been signed will be characterized as an attack upon both myself and the Church made by haters and anti-religious bigots.
G. Hold Harmless Agreement: I agree to the hold the Church, OSA, and its agents and assigns harmless from any and all reputational and financial damage that I may incur as a result of false, inflammatory, or completely insane letters created in my name by OSA.
H. General Release: I hereby release the Church from any reputational and financial damage I may suffer as a consequence of my participation in an Interfaith event. My release extends from the beginning of time four quadrillion years ago until this universe collapses by means presently unknown but will likely occur as the result of a massive Marcab attack launched from a parallel universe.
I. Statements by Staff Members: The Church, its board and its management take no responsibility for statements or claims made by staff members regarding the success or failure of Interfaith events conducted by the Church, particularly by the strange, hollow, and mentally unhinged being known as “Ed Parkin” aka “Pwnd by Mr. Peanut.” Any promises of “fame” or “fabulous new comm lines” made to me as an inducement to speak at a Scientology Interfaith event are not authorized and will not be honored by the Church, its board of directors or management.
J. Non-Disparagement: I agree never to disparage in any way, whether by word, deed, or secret thoughts, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige or Tom Cruise. I agree not to snicker, chortle, laugh, or stare at David Miscavige’s oddly confected ecclesiastical pompadour.
K. No Toilet Paper Provided: I understand that all Scientology Orgs on this miserable prison planet never have any toilet paper. I agree to furnish my own toilet paper at Interfaith events.
L. Binding Arbitration: I agree that if any legal hullabaloo arises from my OSA-created letters that any disputes will be subject to binding arbitration conducted by the Scientology International Justice Chief. All proceedings will be held at the Scientology Dianetics Center in Karachi, Pakistan. I agree to pay for my personal security needs in Pakistan from my own funds. I further agree that the Church cannot even remotely guarantee my survival in Pakistan.
Signed this _____ day of 20______________