I________________________________ hereby covenant and contract with the Church of Scientology International (the Church) to be a speaker at the Church’s Interfaith Event to be held at ___________________________ on the date of __________________.
In exchange for the valuable consideration of the enormous personal prestige and valuable reputational benefits that will accrue to me as a designated Scientology Interfaith speaker, I agree to the following terms and conditions:
A. Honorarium: I understand that my honorarium will be $25,000 per event if I am not well known outside of my denominational circle. However, if I am a published religious scholar in the field of New Religious Movements my pay will $50,000 per event, or more, depending upon how valiantly I defend Scientology. If I am a national leader working at a top university my honorarium will be $100,000 or more per event.
B. Acquisition of Purloined Letterhead: I agree to procure twelve (12) sheets of original letterhead paper from my organization and provide it to the Church. I further agree that the Church will have no knowledge of how I came to possess this letterhead. No questions will be asked.
C. Furnishing of Letterhead to Designated Terminals: I will furnish the aforementioned purloined letterhead paper to a designated representative (terminal) of the Church’s Office of Special Affairs (OSA). I will do this under the cover of darkness in a back alley. The location is to be selected by OSA. I will wait at a predesignated street corner for a phone call telling me where to deliver the letterhead in a sealed envelope hidden inside a locked briefcase. I will conceal my identity by wearing a hat and a fake mustache. If I have a mustache, I will wear a fake mustache over my real mustache.
D. The Use of My Name: I freely give my consent to OSA to write anything it wants and needs on my organization’s letterhead, to sign my name to it, and to place it in the Church’s websites and publications without limitation.
E. Silence in the Event of Being Exposed: I acknowledge that if my OSA-created letters are exposed in the media that I will remain silent and make no comments until I have been counseled by wog lawyers representing the Church.
F. Forgery Denial/Assertion of Religious Bigotry: All parties to this contract agree that “forgery” is an ugly word and will never be used. I agree that any narrative OSA creates using my name on my institution’s letterhead, no matter how seemingly wild, lunatic, paranoid, or baseless said narrative is perceived to be, will never be deemed a forgery. Rather, all criticisms of an OSA-created narrative to which my name has been signed will be characterized as an attack upon both myself and the Church made by haters and anti-religious bigots.
G. Hold Harmless Agreement: I agree to the hold the Church, OSA, and its agents and assigns harmless from any and all reputational and financial damage that I may incur as a result of false, inflammatory, or completely insane letters created in my name by OSA.
H. General Release: I hereby release the Church from any reputational and financial damage I may suffer as a consequence of my participation in an Interfaith event. My release extends from the beginning of time four quadrillion years ago until this universe collapses by means presently unknown but will likely occur as the result of a massive Marcab attack launched from a parallel universe.
I. Statements by Staff Members: The Church, its board and its management take no responsibility for statements or claims made by staff members regarding the success or failure of Interfaith events conducted by the Church, particularly by the strange, hollow, and mentally unhinged being known as “Ed Parkin” aka “Pwnd by Mr. Peanut.” Any promises of “fame” or “fabulous new comm lines” made to me as an inducement to speak at a Scientology Interfaith event are not authorized and will not be honored by the Church, its board of directors or management.
J. Non-Disparagement: I agree never to disparage in any way, whether by word, deed, or secret thoughts, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige or Tom Cruise. I agree not to snicker, chortle, laugh, or stare at David Miscavige’s oddly confected ecclesiastical pompadour.
K. No Toilet Paper Provided: I understand that all Scientology Orgs on this miserable prison planet never have any toilet paper. I agree to furnish my own toilet paper at Interfaith events.
L. Binding Arbitration: I agree that if any legal hullabaloo arises from my OSA-created letters that any disputes will be subject to binding arbitration conducted by the Scientology International Justice Chief. All proceedings will be held at the Scientology Dianetics Center in Karachi, Pakistan. I agree to pay for my personal security needs in Pakistan from my own funds. I further agree that the Church cannot even remotely guarantee my survival in Pakistan.
Signed this _____ day of 20______________
Oh Joy & Jubilation OT8! Even since I signed my Sea Org Contract, & what a lovely stamped black & white seahorse adorned piece of copy paper it was!, I had a burning desire to help the OSA! And now I can! I have a very high affinity for letterhead and am actually known in select circles as the keeper of all the letterheads I have ever received from that paragon of Ethics, the cult of Scientology. Ron’s letterhead held up to the light reveals the word fox in the printers name, so I know the OSA will love what I get for them. Wait until those false inflammatory letters with my name on them go out. So hot the post office will just throw them on the front lawns! This is the best Sat of my lives since I have been coming back for the last trillion Years anyway….Special XXOO OT8 💌
OMf/nG!!!! I just had this amazing cognition!!!!! Well, maybe it wasn’t a real cognition because I wasn’t In Session or on Course, but it blew me three feet in back of my head anyway. After word clearing and demo-ing this brilliant contract, I came to section ‘K’ – the No Toilet Paper Provided provision. The gradient then steepened as I moved on to section ‘L’ – the Binding Arbitration provision. My universe just expanded exponentially!!! SQUAT TOILETS. That’s right. Squat toilets like they have at the Scientology Dianetics Center in Karachi, Pakistan!!!!! Just think of the savings all Scientologists would enjoy if they didn’t have to use toilet paper anymore and all Ideal Orgs, Ideal Missions, Ideal Study Groups, Ideal Shadowy Front Groups and Ideal Coffee Shops converted their western oriented, clear-cut centric washrooms to squat toilets. The money saved could be better used to up one’s Stat-ass in the IAS and the wasted paper products from toilet paper production could be converted to printing The Way to Happiness pamphlets. I tell ya, Ms. B. deserves an Ethics Chit in her file for this one. Thank you very much.
Clearly, fraud is a sacrament in the criminal cult of scientology.