Scientology TV Offering a Free Coffeemaker to New Viewers

Following a devastating ratings crash, an app crash of magnitude, and joking and degrading reviews in the wog media, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige took to the airwaves again on Scientology TV to offer new viewers a free coffeemaker if they download the newly-repaired Scientology app for phones.

“This is a high quality coffeemaker,” said Mr. Miscavige. “And it’s yours for free if you download the Scientology TV app and watch 25 hours of Scientology TV. In our newest Meet a Scientologist program you’ll meet Duane and Helen Schuman who live in the San Fernando Valley. Duane and Helen have been in Scientology since the 1970’s and run a somewhat successful vending machine business.”

25 responses to “Scientology TV Offering a Free Coffeemaker to New Viewers

  1. But it only makes coffee that leaves a bitter taste—and causes ulcers.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You’ll need coffee to stay awake while listening to LRH drivel.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ll take that coffee machine & bet the entire planet that Duane & Helen do more than just vend machine the coffee but they also take down all pertinent info on their customers so the regges can call email text and generally screech for money 24/7.david I do not think Siri likes your app at all. She told me she is an expert @ blocking obnoxious apps from Sci TV and so far my Sci Network channel is dark,Yay! 25 milliseconds of Sci TV sends me into a place I will not go back to. Plus I bet that coffeemaker hides a camera! 💛 to OT8.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Most WOGS are unaware that Duane and Helen became famous inventors. They did indeed invent the change machine where u put in a dollar bill and get back 4 quarters. However their stats are flat. They say they “broke even again” and are hoping the Cause Resurgence Rundown will cause their stats to go straight up and vertical

    Liked by 1 person

    • Duane and Helen failed in their invention. However, after hiring WISE business consultants their new machine takes one dollar and returns five cents. That’s a 95% return on investment! All Scientologists should buy a franchise on these machines from Duane and Helen TODAY!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. This proves that COB should have invested in informercials instead of Scientology TV!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Scientology TV is an endless informercial. We just call it “Scientology TV” to fool all of the stupid wogs out there who are dumb enough to fall for, “”Curious? We thought so.” That is one stupid come on that totally evaluates for the pc, but it’s best we could do.

      Liked by 1 person

      • When do you suppose RTC will get around to offering a coffee maker which comes with those coffee pods so many Wogs (in their simple, sheep-like manner) cannot seem to resist nowadays? Just a thought to help boost ratings!

        Liked by 1 person

    • My immediate thought was: Hey, a new Slap Chop guy! 😂😂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Can I sign up each of my thetans please? I need coffee!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Sounds eerily similar to Jim Joneses purple Kool-Aid that he had the masses at The People’s Temple consume, doesn’t it? Who is this? I think not.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. WHERE’S SHELLY????

    Liked by 1 person

  9. The best they could come up with in their ranks is “a somewhat successful” vending machine business??? Scraping the bottom of the interviewee barrel?

    Like

  10. One of the less scary pictures of the $cos-a-tology psycho I’ve seen for a while. F–k is he for real? Coffeeeeee Machines?????

    Like

  11. Shelly is farming coffee in Bolivia and setting up Dave’s future extradition-free palace. There’said landing strip so Tom and JT can park their jets.

    Like

  12. I imagine the coffee would taste the best while the SP is in a rocking chair on the front porch of infinity.

    Like

  13. UPDATE: Scientology TV Offering a Free Coffee Enema to New Viewers

    Following a second week of devastating ratings and app crashes, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige took to the airwaves again on Scientology TV to offer new viewers a free Scientology Coffee Enema if they download the newly-repaired Scientology app for phones.

    “This is a high-quality enema,” said Mr. Miscavige. “And it’s yours for free if you download the Scientology TV app and watch twelve-and-a-half hours of Scientology TV before Thursday at 2:00 P.M.”

    The Scientology Coffee Enema, or “SCE” as it’s commonly called among parishioners, is the pillar of Scientology regimens and is often administered before an Ethics or a Qual cycle. It has recently been determined that such an enema can be helpful before viewing Scientology TV.

    Since Scientology’s “technology” cannot be changed, the enema is delivered in two traditional forms, either in a clyster syringe (a form established in the 17th century) or in the handy blulb syringe, bocks or bags (popular forms since the early 19th century).

    “Scientology coffee enemas,” added Mr. Miscavige, “are useful not only in expelling wastes and gas, but misunderstood words and body thetans, too. Our treatment forces your colon to expel BTs, thus replacing the Operating Thetan Levels. In fact, we’ll soon be closing permanently the Advanced Organization of Los Angeles and handing out Pink Slips to the Sea Org staff there.”

    Soon, Scientology Coffee Enemas will be delivered curbside at the Pacific Grill, on L. Ron Hubbard Way, in Los Angeles.

    Bon appétit!

    Like

  14. So what you are saying is you have so little faith in what you preach you have to bribe people to watch-bahahahahaha😂😂😂😂

    Like

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