Public health authorities today ordered the Church of Scientology rushed to the Emergency Room following Scientology’s prolonged two-week bout of projectile vomiting on Twitter. Blood tests revealed the presence of the deadly virus Cultus Hystericus.
“Scientology is a both a public nuisance and a public health hazard,” said Dr. Metah Bolic of the Hollywood Religious Hospital. “The Centers for Disease Control alerted us after counting 22,132 instances of Scientology projectile vomiting tweets on Twitter. These repetitive tweets attack a television show the Scientology Cult is obsessed about and unable to control.”
“In the same way wolves urinate on trees to mark their territory, Scientology is projectile vomiting tweets on Twitter in an attempt to mark what it believes to be its territory. This behavior is characteristic of the Cultus Hystericus virus, a virus caused by the fatal brain parasite Lunaticae Miscavigus.
“This strain of virus cannot be treated by antibiotics,” Dr. Metah Bolic stated. “This particularly destructive virus can only be treated with Reason, but Scientology has a DNA defect that renders it impervious to Reason. The only real solution is to surgically remove Scientology’s IRS tax exemption.”