Church of Scientology Hospitalized After Projectile Vomiting on Twitter!


Public health authorities today ordered the Church of Scientology rushed to the Emergency Room following Scientology’s prolonged two-week bout of projectile vomiting on Twitter. Blood tests revealed the presence of the deadly virus Cultus Hystericus.

“Scientology is a both a public nuisance and a public health hazard,” said Dr. Metah Bolic of the Hollywood Religious Hospital. “The Centers for Disease Control alerted us after counting 22,132 instances of Scientology projectile vomiting tweets on Twitter. These repetitive tweets attack a television show the Scientology Cult is obsessed about and unable to control.”

“In the same way wolves urinate on trees to mark their territory, Scientology is projectile vomiting tweets on Twitter in an attempt to mark what it believes to be its territory. This behavior is characteristic of the Cultus Hystericus virus, a virus caused by the fatal brain parasite Lunaticae Miscavigus.

“This strain of virus cannot be treated by antibiotics,” Dr. Metah Bolic stated. “This particularly destructive virus can only be treated with Reason, but Scientology has a DNA defect that renders it impervious to Reason. The only real solution is to surgically remove Scientology’s IRS tax exemption.”

5 replies »

  1. That’s it, Ms. B. Haven is officially pissed!!!!!!! Someone needs to be sent to Qual to get their GAT II OSA PR Area Control Tech retreaded. Even a little being like me knows that when there is entheta spewing from silly social media sources like Tweeter, Spacebook, Ruttit, Ittsygram, My Facey, A&Eeeeee, UnTimely Magazine, Tampa Bay Trash, SP Times, etc., etc., you NEVER do anything but lawyer up and apply some good ol’ scorched earth Fair Gaming tech (GAT II of course). Where the fuck are the Squirrel Busters when you need them? Where are the seasoned veterans of the Snow White campaign? Where is a good ol’ OSA thug when you need one? Where are the slimy WOG lawyers, PIs, gumshoes and dicks? Where are the legions of dilettante OT VIIIs, Give me a classic Guardian Office no nonsense, non-patty cake, non-panty waist tuff any day and these petty attacks on Mankind’s only hope for salvation would come to a screeching halt. Ethics would then go in. Tech would then go in. Admin would then go in. Once Admin is in, we would rule this sector of the guh-lax-ee and suppression would be a thing of the past. Spiritual Freedom for all!!!!!!!!!!! And no, this is not the same as facism. You can clay demo that for yourself if you don’t believe me.

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  2. Dr. Metah Bolic notes, “Severe butthurt to the Cult causes extensive inflammation in the RTC sphincter and this in turn allows the Cultus Hystericus virus to spread uncontrollably within all of Scientology and in particular the OSA capillaries. More popularly known as the ‘Drama Queen Syndrome’ this virus afflicts Scientology frequently.”

    Dr. Metah Bolic explains that the strain of the Cultus Hystericus virus unique to Scientology invades Twitter by mutating images and photos that mimic real people. Fluorescence microscopy studies using a fluorochrome specific to detecting the presence of bullshit reveals the phony Twitter accounts created by the Cultus Hystericus virus:

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