Damage Control Scientology Style

UA CEO: Hello Dave? Did you get the wire transfer I sent you for PR damage control consulting?

COB: It arrived safely.

UA CEO: This incident on the plane… it’s getting uglier by the second. People think United Airlines is evil and that I’m the Antichrist himself.

COB: Tell me about it. That’s my life most days.

UA CEO: You guys in Scientology know all about being in bad situations… I just need help.

COB: Here’s what my people in the Office ah Spe-shul Affairs found out. The guy your goons dragged off the plane and beat is a freakin’ pervert with a capital P! I mean what we got here is a rageaholic doctor trading ass for narcotics. Jesus R6 Cheerist! How I wish this guy was a wealthy Scientologist! I could clip him for $25,000,000 easy!

UA CEO: So whadda I do?

COB: Whadda do?! Lou can you believe it? This effin wog gets it handed to him on a silver platter and he don’t know whadda do. You stupid meat body wog! Look, I took care of it for ya’s. That’s why ya’s pays me the big moola! I had my people in Office ah Spe-shul Affairs publish the dirt on this here pervert doctor all over the place. We put this guy on trial!

UA CEO: Lemme look at the interweb here… Dave, I see it! The guy looks like a freakin’ criminal scumbag!

COB: Exactamundo! That’s the beauty of Fair Game. You beat a guy to a pulp and suddenly he’s the pervert and the criminal! I do it all the time. Now just write this perv a check and have your wog lawyers make him sign a buncha contracts to shut up and go away.

UA CEO: You’re the best Dave!

COB: Thanks for the ack. Now while I gotcha on the phone it seems my people in the Office ah Spe-shul Affairs found some stuff on ya’s that ain’t so good while they was digging…

2 replies »

  1. Love it!

    “Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy.”

    Republican Christians are fucking monsters.


  2. That’s right Mr. UA CEO!!! Everyone has some dirt that can easily be dug up by the friendly folks at OSA, it’s just that you aren’t aware of that yet cuz yer still a WOG. Once you become a Scientologist, you become very aware that there is dirt that can easily be dug up by the friendly folks at OSA. And that’s the key!!! Scientology is all about increasing a thetan’s awareness. See, you just keep the reg, course supervisor, auditors, success officers, Ethics Officer, MAA, IAS reg happy by giving them anything they ask for and you’re good to go on the road to total spiritual freedom that is only available by being an active and contributing Scientologist. Emphasis on the contributing. By being an active and contributing Scientologist, you keep the friendly folks at OSA happy and your personal dirt remains untilled. Awareness that your dirt is untilled is pure bliss!!! That my friend is real freedom. This is true.

    ARC, KRC, KSW & ml,
    Ms. B. Haven

    Liked by 3 people

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