Tag Archives: United Airlines

Damage Control Scientology Style

UA CEO: Hello Dave? Did you get the wire transfer I sent you for PR damage control consulting?

COB: It arrived safely.

UA CEO: This incident on the plane… it’s getting uglier by the second. People think United Airlines is evil and that I’m the Antichrist himself.

COB: Tell me about it. That’s my life most days.

UA CEO: You guys in Scientology know all about being in bad situations… I just need help.

COB: Here’s what my people in the Office ah Spe-shul Affairs found out. The guy your goons dragged off the plane and beat is a freakin’ pervert with a capital P! I mean what we got here is a rageaholic doctor trading ass for narcotics. Jesus R6 Cheerist! How I wish this guy was a wealthy Scientologist! I could clip him for $25,000,000 easy!

UA CEO: So whadda I do?

COB: Whadda do?! Lou can you believe it? This effin wog gets it handed to him on a silver platter and he don’t know whadda do. You stupid meat body wog! Look, I took care of it for ya’s. That’s why ya’s pays me the big moola! I had my people in Office ah Spe-shul Affairs publish the dirt on this here pervert doctor all over the place. We put this guy on trial!

UA CEO: Lemme look at the interweb here… Dave, I see it! The guy looks like a freakin’ criminal scumbag!

COB: Exactamundo! That’s the beauty of Fair Game. You beat a guy to a pulp and suddenly he’s the pervert and the criminal! I do it all the time. Now just write this perv a check and have your wog lawyers make him sign a buncha contracts to shut up and go away.

UA CEO: You’re the best Dave!

COB: Thanks for the ack. Now while I gotcha on the phone it seems my people in the Office ah Spe-shul Affairs found some stuff on ya’s that ain’t so good while they was digging…