COB: I hate Australia… I hate Australians!

COB ASST: You hate everyone.

COB: True.

COB: How did I look Lou? Did I look great or what?

COB ASST: You looked great Dave.

COB: I was pleased with the new pompadour today. You can’t even tell it’s made from muskrat fur.

COB ASST: You looked great Dave. You could be a movie star.

COB: That’s a laugh! Remember how stupid Tom Cruise looked hanging from that airplane in his last Mission Impossible film? His face was all distorted and he was like, “Look at how great I am! I’m Tom Cruise hanging from an Airbus!” What a moron! He was dramatizing Incident II and didn’t even get it! So much for him being OT. He can’t even spot the major incident on the wholetrack!

COB ASST: Tom Cruise, what’s the deal with him these days?

COB: I just read his pc folders again and he really needs FPRD to handle his case. He dramatizes literally everything. He enturbulates everyone in his area.

COB ASST:  He’s not like you at all. You’re so theta COB. Even the wogs at the taco truck love you.

COB: I know. Everyone loves me. Say Lou?

COB ASST: Yes sir?

COB: My glass isn’t going to refill itself with scotch. Hit me again.

COB: Make it a double.

COB ASST: There you go COB, a double it is!

COB: I love drinking MacAllan on my private jet! This is what being a global ecclesiastical leader tastes like!

COB: Kate Cebrano sounded horrible today when she sang.

COB ASST: Awful. Just awful. She sounded like an injured wildebeest.

COB: But on the other hand Lou, was my speech today great or what?

COB ASST: It was the best ever!

COB: I was pleased and there was so much applause from the Taiwanese. They love me in Taiwan.

COB Asst: They love you so much they want to build shrines to you.

COB: Great! Have ’em build the shrines! I need more shrines built in my honor besides the Flag building and all of the Ideal Orgs!

COB: Hey Lou, who was that SP wog journalist outside? Hasn’t he attacked Scientology before?

COB ASST: I think his name is Bryan Seymour, something like that. OSA has a 5,000 page dossier on that SP!

COB: What is the Bunker saying today? Didja look?

COB ASST: They’re saying there were only 500 people.

COB: $#@^%&*P())~!!! They can’t even count those stupid degraded beings!!! There were at least 10,000 people!!!

COB ASST: I would say more like 25,000 people!

COB: At least 25,000. Tell Sugg at Freedom to make the headline read “25,000 Scientologists and invited guests listen to COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige open the largest Ideal Org on the Planet! Thunderous applause followed his every word!” And I want lots and lots of close up photos of me! Dozens of close ups!

COB ASST: Got it sir! Dozens of close ups! And the text should read, “Highest ever unprecedented demand for Scientology in Australia as COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige leads the Church to another banner year of straight up and vertical expansion!”

COB: Yes, that’s it! Highest ever stratospheric… people clamoring for Scientology… David Miscavige leads the planet to a Scientology Renaissance — and have Sugg throw in Danny Sherman’s line about the front porch of infinity!

COB ASST: Yes sir!

COB: Lou, my glass isn’t going to refill itself with scotch. Hit me again….